How to be a Bridesmaid, Sans Date

  1. Drink early and often.
  2. Dance with your friends’ parents.
  3. Deliver a hilarious toast so everybody knows how funny and cool you are and its not like there’s a reason that you couldn’t lock anybody down for four hours. No reason at all.
  4. Be super attentive to the bride (she’s why you’re there, after all).
  5. Eat as many hors d’oeuvres as possible in the bridal suite thing. They will all be gone by the time you get to cocktail hour what with pictures and stuff.
  6. Cute groomsmen? Go for.
  7. No cute groomsmen? Flirt with the event staff.
  8. Drop your drink and break the glass on the dance floor for good measure. This will show people that you’re down to party hard like Avril Lavigne or something, which is super sexy.
  9. If you can get in the middle of a dance circle, do.
  10.  At the end of the night, have your cab driver stop at a grocery store so you can get a couple boxes of mac and cheese to take home and make with the other dateless hags bridesmaids.  Eat the mac and cheese while watching a late night airing of the TLC special “The Virgin Diaries”. If you can, pass out with the bowl still in your hand. 

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One response to “How to be a Bridesmaid, Sans Date”

  1. Catherine Gullickson says :

    I laughed so hard, I peed my pants (because I’m old)! You should be a professional bridesmaid…

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