New Year’s Resolutions
I’m sick and tired of hearing and reading about people’s New Year’s Resolutions. They’re usually unrealistic, mostly unattainable, and always boring. If it’s not “Lose weight”, it’s stupid things like “Be a better father”, “Be more cultured”, or “Stop wetting the bed”. I mean, there’s no honesty or lowered expectations anymore. No realism. That’s why I’ve decided to share MY New Year’s Resolutions. Hopefully they will inspire others to have more realistic goals.
1. Fart in public more often
This really is one of society’s best kept secrets. It’s like the perfect crime for bodily functions. Imagine you’re in a store, or on the subway, or in a movie theater, and you feel the pressure building. Normally, most people would be polite and hold out until in private or in the bathroom. But if you think about it, there’s no better place to let one rip. It is already noisy, people are busy doing other things, and no one’s going to be rude enough to single someone out. Moreover, it would even give you an opportunity to work on your acting skills, dramatically making a stink face and showing to everyone that you smell something awful, and it was most DEFINTELY not you who dealt it. Or you could remain silent. Like I said, either way, it’s the perfect crime. One I will be committing with abandon this year.
2. Drink more
Like most people, I’m a lot more fun when I’ve had 2 or 12 drinks. I’m more sociable, funnier, and all-around more pleasant to be around. Such is the case, why not be like that every day this year? I’m not advocating taking up recreational alcoholism, I’m just saying that I’m more inclined to drink when the opportunity presents itself. 2012 seems a great time to create those opportunities myself.
3. Spend more quality time with my Netflix account
I have a confession: I’ve let work and family get in the way of my Netflix watching. Grievously, my queue is now 118 titles deep, and I know it’s time to make a change. I resolve to hole myself up in my room and rededicate myself to the consumption of TV shows and movies. Besides, now that I live in Los Angeles, the social currency is knowledge of popular culture, so this is unquestionably justifiable.
4. Think more about me
Too long have I tried helping other people by considering volunteering and feeling guilty about not donating to the Cute-Young-Children-with-Horrific-Forms-of-Cancer Foundation. This year, it’s all about me. I’ve been disconcerted about not getting the attention I deserve, so I’m going to give myself that attention myself. And we’re going to be excessively happy about it, thank us very much.
5. Go on more dates
The best thing about going on dates is making the other person pay. This leads to a free meal. More dates means more free meals. The best part is when you get up to use the bathroom right before the bill comes, you come back, and they’ve politely taken care of it! And if things start to get too real (i.e. a second date), it’s easy to say you’re too busy, or you moved out of town, or my personal favorite, you’ve decided to become a priest.
6. Stop tipping baristas
I mean, really, what do they do that warrants a tip? Really!? They make my drink like they’re supposed to, and often times they don’t do it fast enough. I have nothing against baristas, just the societal norms that mandate a tip. Besides, they’re smug and pretentious with those punny “tip jars”. Please, you’re not fooling anyone.
7. Get liposuction
Year after year, I rededicate myself to fitness by working out, running, and generally not trying to be a fat ass. I’ve recently discovered that this is a dumb way to go about doing things. Thankfully, living in California has shed light on a better path: Liposuction. Once I save enough thousands of dollars, I can just get all the fat sucked right out, and not have to worry about it for another few years. I’m certain that’s how it works…
8. Become more of a hipster
Say what snide jokes you want about hipsters, they are pretty cool. I like their sense of style and devil-may-care attitude. They’re also unabashedly arrogant, and I’m unabashedly arrogant, so I feel like it’s a natural fit. Also, I look phenomenal in flannel.
9. Stop apologizing
I’m fed up with apologizing to people for perceived affronts. “Oops, sorry I crossed your path 10 feet in front of you” or “My bad for talking on the phone in public”. I’ve turned into too much of a softy, and it’s time to let people assume I’m sorry. I mean, honestly, if you have a problem with what I do, then you don’t have to be around me. If you’re a family member, just suck it up.
10. Make more jokes
11. Say nice things about people (see above)
12. Prepare a bomb shelter
2012. Mayan Calendar. Ragnarok. No-brainer.
From Los Angeles,