Top Ten Advantages of Living at Home
1. Free Booze – This one’s a no-brainer. Better yet, seeing as parents have generally accumulated some level of wealth, and hopefully some level of taste (depends on the parent), they probably have good quality shit too. Double bonus.
2. Premium Cable – HBO, Showtime, you want it, you got it. On Demand? Yes, please. No need for a social life when you get to spend you evenings with Laura Dern, Sean Bean, William H. Macy, and Claire Danes. Friends? What friends?
3. Food – Best part of being a child back home? Love and care that doesn’t need to be reciprocated. Better yet, I allow myself to be bribed into running errands by using food as currency. I have low standards.
4. Pool/Hot tub Combo – This applies specifically to California, as it is apparently mandatory for every suburban home to have a pool and a hot tub. Especially handy when escaping the heat of winter.
5. Cleaning Services – The worst part of going to college was doing everything yourself. And it was so hard! Now, as long as your room has the illusion of cleanliness, your mom takes care of everything else. And the best part is, because she’s your mom, you don’t have to pay her!
6. Surplus Cash – Best thing about having aging parents is their inability to remember recent events. Like exactly how much money they gave you and your brother to go see a movie. Or how much that book you bought them on their credit card was. You know, things they should know.
7. Drama – Often times living away lacked the life-and-death situations and shouting arguments that happens when you put family in a small environment for long periods of time. Never a dull moment anymore. Nor a quiet one.
8. Nighttime Freedom – Once 8 o’clock hits, the house is yours. With your parents out and snoring like a light, who’s gonna ask you why you’re going to that seedy bar down the street, or who those strange asian men are, and why are they betting around the kitchen table. As long as you get rid of evidence before the next morning, ignorance is your bliss.
9. Increased Self-Importance – You’ve just come home with your college degree in tow, and how do you put it to use? Not by finding a job, silly! You lord your superior intellect over everyone and demonstrate that, in fact, you do know everything. And boy, what a great feeling that is.
10. Love – My mom made me put this one in here…