Not Helpful

Years ago, Conrad, my darling four year old, came home from pre-school with a poster he had made with some general rules for behaving.  It was divided in half with “Helpful” on one side and “Not Helpful” on the other.  Some of the “Helpful” list included: “say please” and “keep your hands to yourself”.  Some of the “Not Helpful” items were “shouting”, “not listening to your mom” and “being mad”.  This poster soon became a kind of family motto and catchphrase.  Instead of calling someone a complete idiot for leaving the gas grill on all weekend, asking if you shut the garage door when you’re an hour out on your road trip, (or a good one: What do you mean by “I’ve lost my passport”) we would say “That’s not really HELPFUL right now” in a sharp, mocking tone complete with not so loving hand gestures and eye bulging.

With the family motto in mind, I feel the need to unload all that I deem “Not Helpful” this week…a cleanse so to speak.  I’m going to adapt this idea to express to all of you dear readers, how many things bug the crap out of me on a daily basis. No one in the family believes that I can come up with even one thing that doesn’t irritate me.  I’m going to make a good attempt.

Not Helpful…this week

1.  The dog two doors down the street and its’ owners.  I get the pleasure of hearing that stupid dog bark every night from 8 p.m. to midnight and then again at 6 a.m. on weekends.  Here’s how it goes: LEAFBLOWING BY!!LEAF BLOWING BY!!CAR PASSING !!SPRINKLER ON!!SQUIRREL!!  Each tiny sound requires a barking alert…super great!!


2. The fat smoker guy with the giant thighs who sat next to me on the 2 hour flight home.  Thanks for having a rotten case of B. O. and keeping your legs wide open so that I had to occupy one tiny corner of the seat I paid for.  I had to keep my head in my own armpit to keep from gagging.

3.  The following words and phrases:  Collaborate;  At the end of the day; Basically; Think outside of the box; I could care less;  I’m not going to lie;  Moist; “Are you sure”?;  carbuncle.  I shouldn’t have to elaborate on any of these separately nor together…

4. Being told I have laser-beam-like eyes, I’m quite irritated that I don’t actually have the ability to shoot laser beams from my eyes.  It would come in handy sometimes, and I would probably be less irritated.

5. Having to show my driver’s license to prove my identity before getting a horrible medical test.  Really?  Someone is going to actually defraud the radiology center in order to get injected with radioactive material and get scanned in a tiny, claustrophobic tube for 2 hours?  Really?

I told you it was scary

6.  That reminds me; my driver’s license.  I guess the new style of licensing is not to smile for the picture.  Therefore, I look like a prison matron at a concentration camp.  Perfect for the several times a week I need to use it for I.D. purposes and have to look at it.

7. Any conversation about the weather.  Unless you’re in a tornado or can’t open the front door due to snow build-up, zip it; I couldn’t care less!

Wake me up when you're finished talking about the barometric pressure reading

Helpful…this week

1.  A beer and nachos at the Montages in Deer Valley, Utah with 2 of the best people I know, Kelley and Lisa.  They were quite “Helpful”…and so was the beer and the Montages.

2. My nightly reading session under the covers with my Kindle, flashlight, and this week, the book “Raylan”.  I read until Jeff complains that it’s like the Aurora Borealis are on the ceiling of the bedroom…sigh…that’s so “Not Helpful”…

More soon…lots more…

One response to “Not Helpful”

  1. Anna says :

    Note: The one purely “helpful” item on the list didn’t involve anyone from the family. The second “helpful” item on the list was subsequently wrecked by something “not helpful” by someone in the family. I think you might be sending us a sign here Mom?

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