Archive | March 2012

Hey, You Never Know ®

I started a new job this week, which is made possible in part by the fact that I got let go from my old job two weeks ago. Losing that job was interesting for several reasons. First, despondent as initially I was, my friend Malka pointed out that it wasn’t really that I got fired, it was just that I didn’t get hired. She was right, because it was a temp to perm job, and they just decided not to perm me. Second, the more I think about it the better I feel about it, because my hatred for that place was only offset by it’s abundant supply of free club soda.

Still, when the temp agency called and told me I wasn’t working there anymore, I was bummed, but I think I handled it like any person with 85% of a grip on their life would.  First, I was surprised. Then, I got a little weepy, first out of disappointment, and then out of fury. I called my friend and complained. Then, I got Thai food. Then, I got drunk in my apartment. Then, I didn’t get out of bed for 18 hours. After that, I went on vacation and got a haircut. And now I have a job again. See, things have a way of working themselves out right when you really need a new pair of jeans.

The whole experience got me thinking about the differences between working and being out of work. At this stage in my career, I don’t have a career and if I’m being totally honest, I don’t find answering phones all that fulfilling. So I’m not really sacrificing anything in that capacity. But a job does allow me to buy things, and I noticed that the second I became unemployed, all I wanted to do was order take out and get manicures. Alas, those things are luxuries, and not really justifiable ones when you aren’t getting paid.

Oh thank God.

So naturally, I was THRILLED on my first day at this new office (where there is no club soda, but also no assholes who steal my club soda), when my coworkers invited me to join the office pool for New York’s Mega Millions lottery. Everybody kicked in 5 bucks, and we bought a bunch of tickets.  As I’m writing this, the NYMM website reports the pot to be at $640,000,000. So if we win, all 19 parties involved will receive $33,684,210.53.

I have been temping a lot at financial firms, so I have been around a lot of people with really severe amounts of money. I’ve had the opportunity to think about what I would do with $33 million. I have decided that I would put most of it away for at least a year or 2 so that I don’t go nutzo all at once. I’d probably come up with a system where I annuitize it for myself, but I digress. I would put MOST of it away, but the first thing I would buy would be a really killer mattress. I don’t hate the mattress I have now, but I would definitely buy like the best, most fantastic Tempurpedic mattress ever. Also, probably some sheets that cost more than $17 to put on it. Because, yes, I am currently sleeping on sheets that cost $17. Totally not fit for a multi-millionaire. Bitch, I could BUY that K-Mart.

Oh, I know I won’t win. I had better not get ahead of myself. The cable subscription is still on hold. It’s still nice to dream. And like the New York Lottery slogan goes,

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Confessions of a Table Dancer

A few nights ago, I received the following email:

When I read it, I panicked. After college, I’m sort of a grown-up, right? How is it time for me to graduate?

As much as I hate to get nostalgic, it’s hard to not at least reflect a little bit when I read these kinds of emails. So much of my life has changed in the last four years but there has been one constant…

DANCING

For those of you who have not seen me dance, know this–what I lack in skill I more than make up for in enthusiasm and commitment. As I type this I can admit my technical shortcomings but when I’m dancing I forget that I’ve never taken a dance lesson in my life. I don’t know what to call my personal style but I do know it includes a lot of stomping, jumping, and running. I go for it.

Example:

 I didn’t go out much my freshman year but I found places to dance (my dorm room).  Here’s a picture of me busting out a sweet move from the Single Ladies video.

Sophomore and junior year I really took it to the next level. I spent Thursday through Saturday nights dancing around my friends’ living room. One day, we decided to literally take our dance moves to the next level. Suddenly we weren’t just dancing–we were table-dancing. It was half dancing, half furious attempt to break the wooden coffee table.   We had some good dances on that table but, like all good things, table-dancing came to an end. Most of my friends blame the glass coffee table that took the place of the wooden one- I think it was more than that…then again I have been known to read into things…it probably didn’t help that my table-dancing counterparts, with a few exceptions, graduated last year. For whatever reason, table-dancing died out.

I miss that living room. I miss my friends. I miss table-dancing.

Last semester I tried to resurrect table dancing (too close to Easter for this?) but it didn’t catch on. My friends kept making excuses like “Amelia, the table is too rickety” or “Amelia, the ceiling fan might hit us” or “Amelia, no one else is dancing. It’s just you!” I wouldn’t give up! If no one would dance with me, I’d dance alone! For Halloween, I dressed up as Amelia Earhart and set out to attempt a solo table dance! What could possibly go wrong?!?!?!

Look how hopeful I look…

Just like Amelia Earhart (R.I.P.?)

I was busting a move on a rickety table in my friend Brendan’s basement when tragedy struck. It was just like Amelia Earhart…only maybe not quite as bad. I was knocked off of the table by a low-hanging ceiling fan. After the accident, a friend took me home and put me in my bed. I woke up the next morning with a black eye and a new, personal understanding of Amelia Earhart’s crash.

This accident, which I consider my personal Mid-Pacific crash, was a wake up call.  I’m about to graduate from college. Maybe it’s time to call it quits…like Amelia Earhart did after her Mid-Pacific crash. I think that ceiling fan was trying to tell me “Grow up Amelia! Table dancing is over. That part of your life is over!” but, again, I have been known to read into things…

If that ceiling fan was trying to send me a message, I don’t want to hear it! I don’t want to live in a world without table-dancing! Maybe I’ll get hit in the face with a ceiling fan, but sometimes you have to take risks in life…just like Amelia Earhart! I promise wherever I am, if there is a table, I’ll be dancing on it.

So I hope your tables are sturdy ,New York City, because I’m coming for ya.

Tall Tales

My daughter Anna and I love tennis and have played it for many years.  We used to play together, until she got so good that it was a little scary to be on the other side of the net from her.  She’s a 6 foot tall lefty who could give you a concussion if she connected your head with one of her volleys.  You can’t ever relax when you’re playing her because it’s almost impossible to get out of the way of her 100+ mph evil kick out wide serve.  O.K., pretty much any of her shots are frightening, especially if they’re coming toward your face.  She appears to be a very nice woman, but it’s really a trap.  She lures you into underestimating her with a sweet disposition and pretty smile.  Then, she hits an overhead near you that’s just a little too close for comfort.  She says she’s “sorry”, but you’re not so sure she really means it.  At this point, the seed of fear has been planted, and you know you’ll never come near the net again.   I think she’s kind of like a tennis assassin in disguise.  Let’s just say it’s a relief that she’s found her own group of super-athletes to play with and I don’t have to be her victim anymore.

She knows what a fan of the game I am, and she generously made plans for us to spend the day at the BNP Paribas Tennis Tourney held in Indian Wells, Ca.  It’s one of the biggest tournaments of the year and all the top pros were going to be there.  It was sunny, in a gorgeous setting and we planned to cram in all the tennis watching we could in one day.  There are several outdoor stadiums to choose from and you can wander the grounds, from the beer tent to the practice courts.  We decided to not have too much of a plan, and just find whatever tennis suited our fancy.

We started with a John Isner singles match, pretty cool because he’s cute and super tall and we had a chance to witness a 141 mph serve…it’s kind of like watching a round green fuzzy bullet being shot from a tennis racket.  As Conrad likes to say, he “pwned”  the serve.  We then mixed it up with a women’s singles match and found a good one that lasted almost three hours.  We saw what zero body fat and unbelieveable fitness looks like.  Inspiring?  No, more like impossible.  So, we were inspired instead to have a beer and soft pretzels before the next match.

She needs to have a beer and nachos with us!

We saw Sharapova from the nose bleed section of the main stadium and still managed to hear her shriek.  We randomly wandered by Nadal on a practice court, a beautiful view of perfection.  We finished our day with a men’s doubles match and hit the road.  We had a really fun day and had our fill of what great tennis looks like.  Even better, we also had hours of good people watching and plenty of mock-worthy material to dish on the way home.

What we observed:

Wearing a tennis outfit when you’re not a player nor a ball kid….ummm, no.

Bringing your infant to the outdoor, no shade event, where it’s about 90 degrees…ummm, no.

Wandering the grounds shirtless and you’re not a player in the tournament…ummm, no.

Analyzing Nadal’s forehand really loudly while watching him practice….ummm, no.

Hanging your disgusting, calloused smelly feet over the back of the chair two seats down from me; complete with chipped toenail polish….ummm, no.

Yelling “Let’s go Maria”!  from the nose bleed section of the stadium over and over.  The only person hearing you was me….ummm, no.

Disputing line calls by hissing, like somehow you know more than the line call guy, sitting way closer to the line than you…ummm, no.

ummmm...no!

We did make a fortunate discovery.  All the good tennis players are tall…ummm yes!  Anna was finally with her “people”  She wasn’t the tallest one there.  She walked by 6’9″ Isner and came up to his shoulder…Yea!  She didn’t get one comment from a total stranger asking her how tall she is.  No one asked her if she played basketball.  No one asked her why she was so tall.  She had a day off from weird comments from weird people.   That was worth the price of admission alone.  We’re already making plans to go back next year, mainly so she can walk free amongst her kind, the really tall kind.  She might even wear heels.

Yea, power to the tall leftys! Yes we can!

The Old (Jan) and (Excuse My Christmas)

This is the final post in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era.  Please don’t look for any other videos on Youtube, or else you will be met with crippling disappointment for the rest of your life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that last one doesn’t work at all.  But I ran out of TFGJTVOAL titles that fit in with the Hemingway theme.  But did that ever stop Jan Terri from making a cohesive music video or finishing a song if the end didn’t make sense?  No! Of course not!  Here are the lyrical lyrics of “Losing You” to remind you:

Remember long walks, sandy beaches, all those swims together?/We were like a merry-go-round going around in circles
You said we’ll always be together/But you weren’t telling the truth
You were telling lies

You see, I don’t need “rules” to making something great.  So, pardon my genius.  Or better yet, let’s be like Jan Terri and ‘Excuse My Christmas’.  Like all great artists before her (Sting, Elton John, Chaka Khan) and all mediocre artists who have attempted to emulate after her (Mariah Carey, Barbara Streisand, Nickelback), you haven’t achieved icon status until you’ve put out a Christmas album.  Or song.  Semantics, really.

‘Excuse My Christmas’ is Jan Terri’s return to greatness, her first single in over ten years.  Obviously, she’s still got it, baby!  This old broad has NOT missed a step in all her time away from the limelight.  But to this song, join me as I say, “Welcome back, oh great one”. (I said join me!!!)

The first thing you notice is how great she looks.  There are plenty of stars who have tried to stem the onslaught of age with cosmetic procedures and a butt-ton of homeopathic medication (Bruce Jenner, I’m looking at you).  However, Jan Terri understands real beauty, and that is her luscious voice.

Secondly, in all her years of shunning fame, Ms. Terri has obviously been studying computers, becuase the graphicalistic effects of this video are mind-shattering.  It’s like she’s actually walking in a winter wonderland!!  And riding a sleigh!! And dancing with those…wait, I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.  Are the shaking maracas?  What the fuck are those things?!?!  Am I going crazy?!?!  IS THIS A SUICIDE CULT VIDEO?!?!  WHAT IS HAPPENING?????

I feel ya, Tyra. I feel ya

I’m sorry, I just can’t do this anymore.  I honestly thought I’d be able to go an entire week professing my love for Jan Terri and the amazingness of her music videos, but this is just too much. I can’t hold it in—I have to tell the truth.

Jan, I’m sorry, this is the worst. Even after ingesting that mountain of drugs and watching “Excuse My Christmas” on loop for 36 hours straight, I still don’t get it. It’s impossible to get. I doubt you get it. If you do, all I can say is that your greatness has shed its mortal coil and has transcended understanding by us mere mortals. If that is the case, then goodbye forever, Jan.  Goodbye…

A Farewell To (My Little Brother)

This is the fourth in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era.  Please don’t look for any other videos other than the ones I’ve posted, or else it will ruin the surprise.

Remember the classic song “Frere Jacques”?  Well, Jan Terri took a giant shit on that classic, put it in a witches’ cauldron, did some voodoo, put it into a Magic Bullet, made some delicious margaritas, then went and and crafted a better version that will forever replace that silly tune with a sublime piece of artistry.  That’s right, prepare to get your mind blown by “My Little Brother”.

As fourth on the list of TFGJTVOAL, you may think this isn’t as good as the other 3.  WRONG!  This ranking was merely a ruse because they are all the number one best, and I just had to break them down so your mind didn’t get blown from so much amazingness at one time.

This video holds a special place in my heart for an innumberable number of reasons.  First, Jan sings in French.  I don’t know about you, but she sounds so authentic, Marion Cotillard will probably win another Oscar for lipsyncing to her songs in a lavishly detailed biopic.  Second, this song has so much pep, and I fucking love pep.  Third, denim upon denim upon denim!!  Fourth, I can always get behind a good shopping montage.  Fifth, far and away the best line in the song is “Don’t you wanna take a cruise trip?” Let’s break this line down, shall we?

Jan is urging her brother to get out of bed and get going, why?  She wants to convince him to go on a cruise trip.  This line comes out of nowhere, like a Great White Shark lurking in the deep of the ocean.  The song is akin to swimming in the ocean (or maybe paddleboarding if you’re a douche), minding your own business, everything calm and tranquil, and then getting your lower extremities torn asunder from your body.  It comes out of nowhere, and it makes no sense.  And yet, for some reason you’re not too angry, because it’s only natural that sharks eat humans, as it is only natural that Jan wants to go on a cruise trip with her brother.  In Chicago.  In the middle of winter.

Also, I would like to call your attention to how Jan futher emphasizes said “cruise trip” by standing next to the water and violently jerking her thumb behind her to indicate said “cruise trip” vessel.  Subtle.

This is one of those rare songs that have moments that make no sense, yet at the same time make perfect sense.  Kind of like Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me”.  No, EXACTLY like Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me”!

So on that note, have fun with this song.  It makes no sense, but since when does lack of sense preclude having a good time?  That’s right: never.

Ok, I just realized that “wanna take a cruise trip” might be a euphemism for something.  I’m leaning towards “incest”, but I’m just spitballing here.

Tomorrow marks the last day of our Top 5 Greatest Jan Terri Videos Of All Time.  But never fear, for Jan Terri shall forever live on in our hearts, in our minds, and in our nightmares dreams

I Heart Florence

I’ve become obsessed with Florence + the Machine.  Not really the Machine, just Florence. Florence Welch.  For those of you dear readers who may not know her, she’s the redhead from England with the most AMAZING voice.   She pretty much had me at the hello of the song “Heavy in Your Arms”.   I have all of her music on my ipod and for the past couple of months, that’s all I listen to.  I mean, how can you not think that someone who comes up with lyrics that include “my love’s an iron ball, wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall”  worthy of adoration?

All Hail, Queen Florence!

I’ve gone through obsessive periods like this in the past, where I’m intensely into one album for an extended period of time (yes, they used to be called albums in the medieval times of the 1970’s).  The Doobie Brothers, Earth Wind and Fire, The Isley Brothers.  Then it was the classical years of piano and cello:  Glenn Gould and his Bach, anything by Beethoven, lots of Brahms, Elgar’s Nimrod, Jacqueline du Pre. Talk about music worms…at least they were of pretty high quality.

I know all of this comes from my absolutely impossible fantasy of being a lead singer in a band.  I know it will never come true, due to the fact that I am completely tone deaf.  I have the worst singing voice ever.  Honestly, Jan Terri could probably take me in a sing-off.   A fantasy can’t recover from the looks of disgust on the faces of your four young children trapped in the car with you while you belt out Journey’s “Open Arms” along with the radio.  When your three year old shouts “Mommy, please stop!  Please make it stop now”! when you sing, it’s time for a new dream.

OMG! Will she just STFU?!?!

The band fantasy is on life support and the message to stop singing in public has been received.  Now, I do all of my singing in secret, in the dark, stealthily.  I take Florence along and sing in full voice on my nightly walks in the neighborhood.  She gets me up the hill and around the blocks.  I always end the walk with her song “Spectrum”  and include some interpretive dancing to add to my workout.  I come home with a bit of a glow, still in my “pretend I’m Florence” mode for a few minutes.  It lasts until someone tells me we’re out of milk and I forgot to send in the field trip permission slip.  Sigh…

(Side note: This is how every X Factor episode should go.  Florence kicking ass and taking names.  And maybe some of Paula’s drugged up seat-dance/clapping.  Oh wait, she was fired…)

My family is quite aware of this obsession and surprised me with tickets to a Florence + the Machine concert next month.  The entire family is going and I’m really excited about it!   I’ve only been to orchestra concerts and I don’t quite know what to expect.  I’ve got my Mom jeans, sensible shoes, sweater set, fanny pack and helmet hair/mall bangs ready to go.  I plan to pre-function with a couple of glasses of a good chardonnay and I’m hoping to get into something the youngsters call a “mosh pit” and see what that’s all about.   The kids have already told me that they won’t stand anywhere near me because they know I’m going to sing along, loudly.  Why wouldn’t I?  I know all the lyrics!

I can go from the grocery store to the concert, so versatile!

Florence, ready or not, here I come!

For Whom the (Baby Blues) Tolls

This is the third in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era.  Please don’t look for any other videos other than the ones I’ve posted, or else it will ruin the surprise.

So, to recap, you’ve witnessed the wonder Jan Terri has birthed unto the world in “Losing You” and “Get Down Goblin”.  I hate to keep adding to songs I’m probably making you buy on iTunes because they’re so freaking catchy, but what do I care?  Genius knows no price….

Speaking of genius, I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that the titles of these posts are loosely connected to another great artist of the 20th century.  I always feel that genius attracts genius, so one way to underscore the impact Jan Terri has had on popular music today is to tie her in with the artist that had such an impact on stories about…stuff: Ernest Hemingway.  While he died (something Jan, fortunately, hasn’t done yet), his work has remained timeless, just as Jan’s work will.

And that provides a nice transition into the third spot on the TFGJTVOAL list: ‘Baby Blues’.  This is Jan Terri’s Country/Bar period, kind of like Hemingway’s Drinking/Communism period.  The wonderful atmosphere of the bar and the existence of her friends shows that Jan, deep down, is just a person.  Who likes to have fun.  And sing. With just the cutest speech impediment!

This video shows of two things Jan really loves: the color blue, and mustaches.  Between shots of her wooing a sexy cowboy with her contagious smirk and seagulls floating on the ocean (so poetic), you get the sensation that in fact YOU are falling in love with the cowboy!  Such is the power of Jan Terri.

I also would like to take this moment to rant against the sexified music videos of this era.  All this humping and grinding in music videos (especially with floor-like objects) is just too much.  Bring me the days chaste hand-holding, chaste dancing, and chaste eye-fucking, and I’ll be a happy man.

Now, excuse me while I go get my eyes surgically altered in a misguided attempt to woo Jan Terri.  In a meantime, enjoy these ‘Baby Blues’

Join me tomorrow as I explore the depths of the human soul drifting along an interconnected network of relationships while trying to maintain some semblance of morality and integrity.

Just kidding.  It’s gonna be more Jan Terri.  And it’s gonna be wonderful.

The (Goblin) Also Rises

This is the second in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era.  Please don’t look for any other videos other than the ones I’ve posted, or else it will ruin the surprise.

As I’m sure you know by now, my heart is open, like an open book, open to the wonder that is Jan Terri.  Hopefully, yours is no longer closed.  If so, don’t worry!  We’ve got four (4!) more days to change your mind emphatically in favor of the genius of Jan Terri.

This second is classic vintage Terri, and ranks #2 on the TFGJTVOAT (Top Five Greatest Jan Terri Videos Of All Time. Duh!) scale.  Are you the type of person that doesn’t think there are enough Halloween themed songs out in the musicsphere?!  Are you a goblin conniseur?!  Do you like to dance?!  If you answered “yes” to any of these questions (or if you answered “no”, but still want to see where this is going) then you will love, I mean LOVE, ‘Get Down Goblin’.

This is one of the all-time greatest Halloween-themed songs, right up there with ‘Monster Mash’ and ‘Believe’ by Cher (surprising, I know).  Any song that starts off with a haunting organ solo and flickering black and white shots only portends greatness.  While Ms. Terri tears it up in the song with her fervor and passion and astoudingly audible voice, the real treat of this video is provided by the back-up choir.  These three Muses pull triple duty as women of the night who croon the catchy chorus, “Get down goblin/get down goblin/get down”, and provide some impeccable choreography that will leave you trying to practice it at home.  Obviously Beyonce has seen this video, and was no doubt inspired by the sheer inventiveness and ferocity that these chorus girls bring.

Again, I find myself rambling on when you’re not even reading what I have to say!  All you want is to see the video!  Golly, sometimes I can be so pedantic, but who isn’t when they’re talking about their inspiration?!

Again, enjoy

I sure hope we’re not “losing you” tomorrow as we continue to “get down” with Jan Terri!  Join us!

An Inspiration Forgotten, But Not Gone

This is the first in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era.  Please don’t look for any other videos other than the ones I’ve posted, or else it will ruin the surprise.

Dear readers, sorry I have been MIA for so long.  It is perfectly explainable, I swear!  Recently, a friend of mine reintroduced me to one of my inspirations, and I have redevoted myself to the enjoyment of this person’s talents.  There are only a few people (on the entire planet!!!) who know this person, which makes it even more special.  However, I have decided it is time to share this person with the world.  And by the world, I mean the 10 people who read this blog.

My inspiration is an exceedingly talented musician, nay!, artist, nay!, entertainer!  That’s right, I’m talking about the timeless, the one-and-only, the indomitable: Jan Terri.

This week, I will devote one post a day in tribute to the legend, nay! the icon, that is Jan Terri.  In the literally hundreds of seconds I spent scouring her severals of videos on the Youtube, I think I’ve been able to narrow her bevy of hits into what I am now referring as the Top 5 Greatest Jan Terri Videos Of All Time (TFGJTVOAT).

The first is her greatest hit, naturally.  It is called ‘Losing You’, but should you ever play this while trying to woo someone into your bed, or impress with your sophisticated musical tastes, there will be no threat of you losing anything.  Except maybe your pants and underwear simultaneously.

First off, leather needs to be featured in more music videos.  Second, Chicago has never looked more beautiful than in this music video.  Third, mullets are making a comeback!  Fourth, there is nothing sexier than a woman with a voice, and Jan Terri knows it.  Fifth, Michael Bay was the camera operator for this shoot, but he was only able to film 1.3 seconds of footage, so they had a stray cat film the rest.  And the cat did a great job!  Sixth, I need to stop and just let the video speak  for itself, because my words don’t do it justice.

Enjoy

I have also written down the lyrics as I understood them, so don’t be shy about singing along!

I don’t wanna lose you tonight/You’re the only thing that matters
I don’t wanna lose you this way/Just need your love

I don’t wanna lose you tonight/You’re the only thing that matters
I don’t wanna lose you this way/Just need your love

Losing you will be the hardest thing to do/My heart is open like an open book, and yours is closed
I never thought it would be like this/So how do we move on?

CHORUS X2

Remember long walks, sandy beaches, all those swims together?/We were like a merry-go-round going around in circles
You said we’ll always be together/But you weren’t telling the truth
You were telling lies

CHORUS AGAIN

Pick up the phone, give me a call, and talk to me
It shouldn’t have been like this/I can’t take it no more

CHORUS PART III

I don’t wanna lose you tonight
You’re the only thing that matters
I don’t blah blah blah blah
Just blah blah blah

Blah blah blah blah blah blah….

Love for the Useless

I really hate watching Sports Center, and yet somehow I seem to find myself watching it several times a week. Whenever I go to the gym at my office (which I primarily do because there is cable there), it is ALWAYS on. If I ask to change the channel, I am asked “to what…” in a voice filled with confusion and fear of any potential Kardashian viewership. But 30 minutes never feel so long as when whoever and his friends blah blah blah something about baseball. Ugh.

Ugh, shut up.

I am not a super girly person. In college, I was often referred to as the queen of lounge wear because I wore almost exclusively waffle print thermals in a variety of unflattering colors. Fashiony, I am not. But there are certain things, like my media intake, that I do girl out on. I love E! I love Kardashians. I LOVE wedding- oriented reality television. Man, did I have a field day with the Royal Wedding. I wish every day were the Royal Wedding.

That's me in the middle. This outfit got a lot of shit, but in my defense, it was a road trip. And only Julia is together enough to wear a dress in a car. Come on.

As an aside, I would like to use this blog as a platform to say that among my many hopes for the future, I wish that one day, my daughters will live in a world where they are not called psychos for being 23, single, and going out of their way for a good marathon of Bridezillas. A day when they will not be judged for how many times they have watched Kim’s Fairytale Wedding special, but rather commended for their ability to intelligently discuss the problematic societal issues it highlights and also how stupid Kim’s headpiece was. I hope that they will feel no shame if, you know what, it’s really cold out and they think they will just sit there and watch Say Yes to the Dress with a big old glass of white wine, thank you very much. That day, my friends. That day…

Can we all agree on how stupid that headpiece was?

But I digress. Please don’t think me vapid for my taste in TV. I would ask that everyone remember that when I find it useless to listen to some ex NFL players talk about where Peyton Manning might play if he leaves Indianapolis, it’s exactly like how some might have found it useless when Randy from Say Yes to the Dress hosted a special where he speculated what Kate Middleton’s wedding dress might look like. But don’t you see, guys at my office? It’s all the same! It’s all useless! I wouldn’t put you through the latter, so I wish you’d think twice before subjecting me to the former. Let’s just find something we can all agree on.

Law and Order: SVU, anyone?