The Old (Jan) and (Excuse My Christmas)
This is the final post in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era. Please don’t look for any other videos on Youtube, or else you will be met with crippling disappointment for the rest of your life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that last one doesn’t work at all. But I ran out of TFGJTVOAL titles that fit in with the Hemingway theme. But did that ever stop Jan Terri from making a cohesive music video or finishing a song if the end didn’t make sense? No! Of course not! Here are the lyrical lyrics of “Losing You” to remind you:
Remember long walks, sandy beaches, all those swims together?/We were like a merry-go-round going around in circles
You said we’ll always be together/But you weren’t telling the truth
You were telling lies
You see, I don’t need “rules” to making something great. So, pardon my genius. Or better yet, let’s be like Jan Terri and ‘Excuse My Christmas’. Like all great artists before her (Sting, Elton John, Chaka Khan) and all mediocre artists who have attempted to emulate after her (Mariah Carey, Barbara Streisand, Nickelback), you haven’t achieved icon status until you’ve put out a Christmas album. Or song. Semantics, really.
‘Excuse My Christmas’ is Jan Terri’s return to greatness, her first single in over ten years. Obviously, she’s still got it, baby! This old broad has NOT missed a step in all her time away from the limelight. But to this song, join me as I say, “Welcome back, oh great one”. (I said join me!!!)
The first thing you notice is how great she looks. There are plenty of stars who have tried to stem the onslaught of age with cosmetic procedures and a butt-ton of homeopathic medication (Bruce Jenner, I’m looking at you). However, Jan Terri understands real beauty, and that is her luscious voice.
Secondly, in all her years of shunning fame, Ms. Terri has obviously been studying computers, becuase the graphicalistic effects of this video are mind-shattering. It’s like she’s actually walking in a winter wonderland!! And riding a sleigh!! And dancing with those…wait, I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. Are the shaking maracas? What the fuck are those things?!?! Am I going crazy?!?! IS THIS A SUICIDE CULT VIDEO?!?! WHAT IS HAPPENING?????
I’m sorry, I just can’t do this anymore. I honestly thought I’d be able to go an entire week professing my love for Jan Terri and the amazingness of her music videos, but this is just too much. I can’t hold it in—I have to tell the truth.
Jan, I’m sorry, this is the worst. Even after ingesting that mountain of drugs and watching “Excuse My Christmas” on loop for 36 hours straight, I still don’t get it. It’s impossible to get. I doubt you get it. If you do, all I can say is that your greatness has shed its mortal coil and has transcended understanding by us mere mortals. If that is the case, then goodbye forever, Jan. Goodbye…