So, as none of you noticed, we have been on a bit of a hiatus here at The Ironical Chronicle. I could say it was do to a slew of momentous life milestones. I could say it was due the obligations of living in the adult world. I could even say it was due to a freak storm that completely wiped out electricity, and thus all possible forms of communication. However, you all know it was due to sheer and utter laziness. Surprise.
In all seriousness though, it has been a busy few couple of months. In the firstly, I received an offer to become Grand Emperor of China (White Version), but I had to turn it down at the last minute because I forgot that I’m mildly racist. So I took a desk job instead. That being the case, I had to break the news to my parents that I was moving out of the house. They took it pretty stoically, considering I am far and away their child, but I could have sworn I heard giggling in their room that night. On the night I was moving, we had a big party to see who would take my room. It was very sweet.
It was also very drunk, as usually happens when you get my entire family together in a room by ourselves. Like the Bluth’s staged intervention with their alcoholic mother, this turned out to be one of the better Gullickson parties. Needless to say, in the morning I was still drunk and facing the prospect of 6 hours trapped in the car with my ruthlessly cheerful talkative father. This was probably the most hellacious experience that seemed like would never end. And I’ve been to a Catholic wedding.
After about a month in Northern California, I finally found a place in the heart of the city that is 375 glorious square feet of bachelor living! That’s right! I am single, and ready to come home alone and struggle to make a basic dinner for myself. Cooking is always exciting because I have a gas stovetop, and I never know if any of my meals are going to be my last. I’ve never been so focused in my life. But, I am extremely proud to say that I am now able to cook chicken without it being raw in the middle. I am also extremely proud to say that my stomach has never been more resilient. And I’ve been to Malaysia.
As of now, I’ve been working and living in the adult world for about 6 months, and let me tell you, I just want to retire. Or marry rich. Or win the lottery. Cause it sucks. You have to get up early, and on your own, without your mother to wake you up or anything! It’s hard! Also, you have to make your own food, and clean up after yourself, and be held accountable for your actions. What kind of bullshit is that, am I right?!
Anyways, now that I’m living in a new city on my own, I will have plenty of tales about my misadventures, interesting events around San Francisco, and embarrassing stories about my interactions with other humans. Like, for example, how I always carry spare change with me around the city to give to homeless people, who then in turn I become tight with, who then in turn tell me about all the places that have the cheapest alcohol. Usually it’s convenience stores that sell rubbing alcohol by the jug, but I’m pretty sure I’m on to something there. There is nothing cooler than having an army of homeless people, trust me.
To the select (read: awesomest) few who are still aware of this blogs existence, get ready for some awesome posts. Because I’m awesome. And you’re awesome. Let’s be awesome together.