The Beyoncé Halftime Show (Brought to you by Sasha Fierce)

There are many things I love in this world: my family, my friends, food, and air conditioning, to name a few.  And then there is the one thing I would throw that all away for, even if just for the opportunity to be in awe for five seconds: Beyoncé.  Ever since my sister first introduced me to the sweet, sweet sounds of Destiny’s Child, I haven’t been able to get over my addiction to Beyoncé.  With each passing year, this passion grows larger and fonder for the world’s most fabulous force of nature.  Normally, I would assert that this sort of hyperbole would be inappropriate, but we are talking about Beyoncé here!   There is no way you could ever possibly over exaggerate anything about her, ever.  I mean we’re talking about the woman who rented out an entire floor of a hospital for the birth of her first superbaby.  Granted, it was probably so they could redecorate with red carpet and crown molding and marble and art pieces from the Louvre, but that only furthers my point.

The Blue Ivy Carter hospital wing

The Blue Ivy Carter hospital wing

Way back when it was announced that Beyoncé would be performing at the halftime show of the Super Bowl, I was giddy.  Then, that giddiness turned ecstatic when I found out that there would be a Destiny’s Child reunion.  So between all of that buildup, the San Francisco 49ers playing in the Super Bowl, and the fact that I had been drinking mimosas at a crowded bar in SF since 11am, by the time the lights went down for the halftime show, I couldn’t stand it anymore.

Me, unable to stand it anymore

Me, unable to stand it anymore

And then the Queen rose.

The beginning of my mind-splosion

The beginning of my mind-splosion

I have never seen anything prettier rise out of anywhere (except for maybe chocolate coming out of a fountain).  Her fierceness could be felt through my bones, and I knew that I was about to enter 12 minutes of nirvana.

Naturally, she started with ‘Love on Top’ (of course she did!) because like love, she is also a sensation that can’t be destroyed.  Quite literally, she is made of fierce, and to quote Sir Isaac Newton, “Fierce is an element that can’t be destroyed”.

Does this look like something you can destroy?

Does this look like something you can destroy?

And then, the segue into ‘Crazy in Love’.  With each ferocious stomp of her (I’m sure) perfectly manicured limbs of destruction, my heart quite literally stopped.  Other things that happened with each stomp of her high heels: earthquakes, buttons popping open, haters being silenced, spontaneous orgasms, and the heavens being shaken.

"What's all that racket going on down there?" ---Zeus

“What’s all that racket going on down there?” —Zeus

Next there were some other songs that were not my favorite (NO JUDGEMENT), but there was some pretty sick technology-schmecnology going on.  Basically the consensus was that the best backup dancer Beyoncé could have was more Beyoncés.  And it was fabulous.

You get a Beyoncé!  You get a Beyoncé!  You get a Beyoncé!

You get a Beyoncé! You get a Beyoncé! You get a Beyoncé!

Then, the event that everyone said they were ready for, but no one was actually ready for: The Return of Destiny’s Child.  And there was much rejoicing.  As always, the performance was perfection on stage, even with Beyoncé making up for Michelle’s ungreatness.  For it isn’t truly a Beyoncé performance without her doing something charitable, like putting up with a walking train wreck like this:

Get it together, Michelle!!!

Get it together, Michelle!!!

As for the next song, I knew it was coming.  You knew it was coming.  But you weren’t ready for that jelly: ‘Single Ladies’.  It had it all: impeccable dance moves; fabulous hair; her dancing army of clones; ‘tude strong enough to strip the paint off the Golden Gate Bridge.  Just try to keep up, world.

The hair! The look! The army of dancers!

The hair! The look! The army of dancers!

Last but not least was the emotional destruction of your soul: ‘Halo’.  Probably my favorite of all the Beyoncé songs, and boy did she deliver.  I thought at some point God was going to come down and tell Beyoncé to come back up to heaven because we were not worthy.  Which we are not.  We are not worthy of the Beyoncé.

Kneel before Bey

Kneel before Bey!

And so ended my nirvana, and like a crack addict coming off a 3-day binge, I curled up on the floor of the bar and cried that I had nothing to live for.  After that soul-shredding performance, what do any of us have to live for?!  Nothing.  Except for her live show at the HP Pavilion in San Jose on July 2nd.

I was stuck like this for the rest of the game

I was stuck like this for the rest of the game

May Beyoncé have mercy on your soul.  Beyoncé be with you.

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One response to “The Beyoncé Halftime Show (Brought to you by Sasha Fierce)”

  1. Nanna says :

    You could also come down for Bey on June 28th at the Staples Center and make it the best month of your life.

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