A few nights ago, I received the following email:
When I read it, I panicked. After college, I’m sort of a grown-up, right? How is it time for me to graduate?
As much as I hate to get nostalgic, it’s hard to not at least reflect a little bit when I read these kinds of emails. So much of my life has changed in the last four years but there has been one constant…
For those of you who have not seen me dance, know this–what I lack in skill I more than make up for in enthusiasm and commitment. As I type this I can admit my technical shortcomings but when I’m dancing I forget that I’ve never taken a dance lesson in my life. I don’t know what to call my personal style but I do know it includes a lot of stomping, jumping, and running. I go for it.
I didn’t go out much my freshman year but I found places to dance (my dorm room). Here’s a picture of me busting out a sweet move from the Single Ladies video.
Sophomore and junior year I really took it to the next level. I spent Thursday through Saturday nights dancing around my friends’ living room. One day, we decided to literally take our dance moves to the next level. Suddenly we weren’t just dancing–we were table-dancing. It was half dancing, half furious attempt to break the wooden coffee table. We had some good dances on that table but, like all good things, table-dancing came to an end. Most of my friends blame the glass coffee table that took the place of the wooden one- I think it was more than that…then again I have been known to read into things…it probably didn’t help that my table-dancing counterparts, with a few exceptions, graduated last year. For whatever reason, table-dancing died out.
I miss that living room. I miss my friends. I miss table-dancing.
Last semester I tried to resurrect table dancing (too close to Easter for this?) but it didn’t catch on. My friends kept making excuses like “Amelia, the table is too rickety” or “Amelia, the ceiling fan might hit us” or “Amelia, no one else is dancing. It’s just you!” I wouldn’t give up! If no one would dance with me, I’d dance alone! For Halloween, I dressed up as Amelia Earhart and set out to attempt a solo table dance! What could possibly go wrong?!?!?!
Look how hopeful I look…
Just like Amelia Earhart (R.I.P.?)
I was busting a move on a rickety table in my friend Brendan’s basement when tragedy struck. It was just like Amelia Earhart…only maybe not quite as bad. I was knocked off of the table by a low-hanging ceiling fan. After the accident, a friend took me home and put me in my bed. I woke up the next morning with a black eye and a new, personal understanding of Amelia Earhart’s crash.
This accident, which I consider my personal Mid-Pacific crash, was a wake up call. I’m about to graduate from college. Maybe it’s time to call it quits…like Amelia Earhart did after her Mid-Pacific crash. I think that ceiling fan was trying to tell me “Grow up Amelia! Table dancing is over. That part of your life is over!” but, again, I have been known to read into things…
If that ceiling fan was trying to send me a message, I don’t want to hear it! I don’t want to live in a world without table-dancing! Maybe I’ll get hit in the face with a ceiling fan, but sometimes you have to take risks in life…just like Amelia Earhart! I promise wherever I am, if there is a table, I’ll be dancing on it.
So I hope your tables are sturdy ,New York City, because I’m coming for ya.
Two weeks ago Miden Wood, Logan Herries, and I teamed up to make a movie in 24 hours.
Logan Miden Amelia
It was difficult to set aside our differences because we all hate each other so very much but we managed. We received our official challenge at 6 p.m. on a Friday.
Genre: Working Girl/Shop Girl
Line of Dialogue: “Why are you singing?”
Prop: Fritz Lang’s Metropolis Postcard
We sat down to brainstorm over dinner at Friends Cafe. Friends Cafe was an odd place to brainstorm since the three of us aren’t really friends at all. We are nemeses. We talked about the conventions of Working Girl movies for about an hour before landing on Mary Tyler Moore.
If you’re not familiar with Mary Tyler Moore…
Our film was inspired by the following conversation.
Logan: I want to see a film where Mary Tyler Moore gets stabbed.
Amelia: (slams hands down on table) We can make that movie!
(Miden sits in silence, shoving her mouth full of Korean food.)
So, with the help of some friends, we made that movie!
Here is our final product!
Valentine’s Day is over and we all survived! I’m not going to make some snarky comment about Valentine’s Day and how it’s so lame and only total sellouts fall into the trap of celebrating it. I’m not even going to complain about all of the annoying, happy couples. I’m buying into all of the Valentine’s Day nonsense! I’m totally getting a boyfriend before next Valentine’s Day. Girl, if I can do it SO CAN YOU!
We don’t want another year like this, do we girls?
The following is a step by step guide to get yourself a boo before Valentine’s Day 2013.
Step One: Get Out of Bed
If you’re like me, your loneliness is so crippling, most days getting out of bed just feels impossible. That’s NOT how to get a boyfriend. Believe me, girl! You’ve got to find a reason to get out of your bed! For example, tactically park your car in the direction of the nearest Cracker Barrel. When the sun rises on another sad day of your life, get out of bed! You can do it! You’re so close to the Cracker Barrel Country Boy Breakfast! Things are going to change for you today!
Step Two: Cry
Once you’re out of bed, get ready for the day! Put on a cute outfit and a little bit of make up BUT make sure you get out all of your tears before you put on any makeup. Admit it. You’re going to cry today. Let it happen, girl! Get it all out of your system then get ready to go out and get yo’ man!
Step Three: Eat Everything in Sight
It’s science. Men love a lady with a hearty appetite. Eat your food quickly. Scarf it down, girl! You don’t have time to savor it. You’ve got men to hunt! On your way out of Cracker Barrel, stop in the country store and pick up two pecan logs. Eat one in the car. Throw the wrapper out of the window. When you get back to your room, eat the other pecan log. Act like the first one never happened.
Step Four: Do Your Thing
This step is the “how-to” lists equivalent of the “free style” in a dance number. Go about your day normally!
Step Five: Go Home
Since you are trying to meet people, this may seem counterproductive. Trust me, girl! You’ll thank me later. Go home.
Step Six: Get on the Internet and Find True Love
Internet dating is awesome! I’m not talking about dating sites. Those aren’t going to help you. Your next move is a bold move. You can do it, girl! Get on FaceBook!
Step Seven: Choose Your Boo!
Scroll through your list of FaceBook friends. Pick out a boy who is cute but not too cute. Don’t get too crazy, girl! It’s not like you’re a model! (If you are a model feel free to alter this step.)
Step Eight: Change Your Relationship Status
Make your relationship status “In a Relationship with Insert Name of Boy from Step 7 . I mean, he might go for it! If he gets weirded out just say it was an accident! What’s the worst thing that could happen? You’re alone forever? It seems like that’s inevitable, girl! At least you’ll have taken a risk!
We’ve got 365 more days to go through steps 1-8. If you wake up each morning and follow these instructions, I guarantee you’ll have a Valentine next year!*
Love ya girl!
*My guarantee means very little.
In preparation for my first day of classes I purchase a new spiral ring notebook, choose an outfit that makes me look intelligent, and arrive to class five minutes early. I sit down near the back of the class, not because I’m afraid to sit near the professor or want to look cool. I sit in the back of the class because I want a clear view of all of my classmates. The makeup of my class is typical of any English class at William & Mary, comprised of a handful of stock characters. After three and a half years here I’ve become quite adept at spotting them. Some are easier to identify than others. Some won’t reveal themselves until they speak.
I scan the room, hoping to identify a few of these characters and spot a gaggle of girls sitting diagonally in front of me. They chat quietly while scrolling through pictures of themselves on Facebook. I can’t remember taking an English class that didn’t have at least one girl looking at pictures of herself during the lecture. What luck! I’ve already spotted three of “The Girl Who’s Constantly Looking at Pictures of Herself.” I keep looking for the usual suspects of the English department but don’t find much. The girl and guy next to me might be “That Couple That Takes Every Class Together” but it’s really too early to tell.
Our professor enters the room and immediately assigns us the daunting task of selecting our favorite contemporary novel and sharing it with the class. Since everyone in the class will have to speak, this is my perfect chance to identify the rest of the characters. I’ll have to be careful about my response. This is a big decision. I’m tempted to choose The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera but worry this will mark me as “That Girl Who Tries to Sound Worldly By Referencing Novels by Czech Authors.” I don’t want to be that girl. No one speaks. We are all too busy over-thinking this decision.
“Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut.” One brave soul breaks the silence. I immediately identify him as “The Guy Who Tries to Relate Everything to Kurt Vonnegut.” I’ve seen a few of these guys before. “The Guy Who Tries to Relate Everything to Kurt Vonnegut” brings up Kurt Vonnegut every chance he gets, often referring to him as “Kurt,” like they’re old friends. Suddenly another character pops up. It’s “The Girl Who Disagrees with Everything for the Sake of Disagreeing” and unsurprisingly, she disagrees with the disciple of Vonnegut’s choice. This girl loves questioning anything from the norms of society to other peoples’ personal tastes. The girl speaks. “I’m not sure I agree that Kurt Vonnegut qualifies as a contemporary author. I mean, he’s been dead for a long time.” “The Guy Who Tries to Relate Everything to Kurt Vonnegut” slams his fists down on the table in front of him, whips his head around, and screams “THREE YEARS!” I readjust my assessment of him. I was wrong before. He is “The Guy Who Tries to Relate Everything to Kurt Vonnegut and Gets Angry When Questioned.”
As the class goes on I spot a few more characters.
- “The Girl Who Keeps Referencing that One Article by Foucault. You Know that One Article?” She can’t remember the name. No one knows what she’s talking about but no one wants to admit he or she doesn’t know. We all nod, knowingly.
- “The Guy Playing Tetris or Some Other Innocuous Game On His Cell Phone”
- “The Girl Who Shares Too Much Personal Information, Too Quickly”
- “The Guy Who Shows Up 15 Minutes Late and Immediately Proceeds to Fall Asleep”
- “The Girl Who is personally offended by Improper Use of Grammar”
After three and a half years of college, I’ve come to know these people and sort of love them. Their presence is comforting and when I graduate this year, I will miss them all. They are strange people but how could I not love them? I’m one of them. I don’t know what my character is but I’m sure I have one. I’m just too close to see it, I guess. I’m probably “That Girl Who Spends Class Sizing Up the Rest of the Class” or “That Girl Who Gets Sappy at the End of Her Blog Post.”
John Bane (my dad) has three children. Greg is an attorney, Will does Teach for America, and Amelia(me!) has no definite plans after graduation. John Bane loves all three of his children but never tries to hide the fact that he loves me the most. My brothers call it unfair. I call it a job well done. I’m constantly working to maintain my spot as John Bane’s favorite child. After years of research I have generated a list of my dad’s favorite topics of conversation.
List of My Dad’s Favorite Topics
- William & Mary
- Greek Life
- Celebrity Gossip
Throughout my life, I have used my knowledge of the list to become the favorite child.
Baseball– When my dad realized my brothers “couldn’t catch pee running down their legs” I became his last hope for a baseball player in the family. I bring up my softball days frequently to remind my dad why I’m so much better than both my brothers.
Vietnam– My dad is a Vietnam combat veteran. Once in high school, I read Tim OBrien’s The Things They Carried for an English class. It’s a book written by a Vietnam veteran. To this day, I alternate facts I learned through this book with statements like “God. Hippies are the worst!” I also own a “God Bless America” t-shirt.
Greek Life– My dad always wanted me to go Greek. I avoided it until sophomore year but look at me now! I’m so Greek I appear twice on the composite!
Celebrity Gossip– We agree on celebrity gossip. John Bane does not believe a female star can take the spot as “new female star” until she surpasses Pink. We both agree that Katy Perry has not yet surpassed Pink.
I’m not worried about losing my spot as favorite child to either of my brothers. I keep my methods a secret. They’re safe on this blog. Neither one of my brothers will read this blog. They’re too busy practicing law and teaching geography. My dad will probably read this though…
I love Nicki Minaj. I hope the name “The Ironical Chronicle” doesn’t suggest my love for Nicki is in any way ironic. It’s the real thing. Last month, my friend Mary introduced me to the Big Sean & Nicki Minaj – Dance (ASS) (Official Music Video) and I haven’t been the same since. I can’t stop watching it.
The video has two highlights. First, the word “ASS” pops up on the screen in multiple languages throughout the video. Watching the Big Sean & Nicki Minaj – Dance (ASS) (Official Music Video) is like purchasing the entire Rosetta Stone series and only learning the word “ASS”. Unlike Rosetta Stone, IT’S FREE!
The second highlight, as I’m sure you could all guess, is Nicki Minaj’s ass/verse.
The only low point is Big Sean. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s the fact that his ass is so unimpressive compared to Nicki’s, but I don’t enjoy his ass/verses.
This winter break I’ve had a lot of time to think about ways to improve my life and the lives of others so I’ve taken the liberty of editing/fixing the Big Sean & Nicki Minaj – Dance (ASS) (Official Music Video). Here is my edited version. I hope you enjoy it!
I would rather get hit in the face with a ceiling fan while dancing on a table than attend a small holiday party. A few months ago I got hit in the face with a ceiling fan while dancing on a table but it did not get me out of any holiday parties. I wouldn’t hate holiday parties so much if they didn’t get in the way of my favorite winter pastime: eating cheese and watching crime dramas with my parents. This holiday season, I decided if I couldn’t watch crime dramas and eat cheese at home I’d have to find the next best thing. The following is step by step guide to spice up the boring holiday party by pretending you are in a crime drama on a mission to eat an entire cheese ball off the hors d’oeuvres table.
1. Form an alliance: First, you’ll need an ally. My advice in this situation is TRUST NO ONE. As your own ally/accomplice/hype-man, dare yourself to eat as much of a port wine cheese ball as you can without anyone noticing that you’ve eaten more than normal. You’ll feel like a cross between James Bond and Kirstie Alley as you stealthily/gluttonously down an enormous ball of cheese.
2. Preliminary Work: Next you’ll want to do some preliminary work. Call the host and kindly offer to bring something to the party. Most likely, she’ll say no, insisting your presence is all she could ever ask for. Agree with her to be polite and assure her you won’t bring a thing.
3. Buy the Cheese Ball: Drive to your nearest grocery store and buy a port wine cheese ball. Few people have read the lost chapter of Miss Manners detailing the importance of a cheese ball to any holiday party. It was left out of the book for political reasons much like the book of Melvin was left out of the Biblical Canon. Your host will be blown away by your thoughtfulness and thorough knowledge of manners.
4. Go to the Party: Put the cheese ball in your purse. Arrive at the party 25 minutes before it begins. Hosts secretly love an early guest. (This fact is detailed in another lost chapter of Miss Manners). Offer to help set up the hors d’oeuvres. This is your opportunity to set the spread up to benefit you. You’ll also appear helpful which hosts love.
5. Acquire Wine: Ask your host for a glass of wine. Even though your host will most likely be scrambling to finish last minute party details, she’ll be happy to serve you a glass of wine. It will make her feel useful and it will give you the chance to get started on that cheese ball mission. While she gets the wine from the other room, remove the cheese ball from your purse and put it with the other hors d’oeuvres.
6. Make a Mess: As soon as your host hands you the wine, spill it all over the floor. She’ll leave for paper towels, giving you the opportunity to secretly eat the cheese ball. Pick up the cheese ball and eat off the bottom. When you hear footsteps indicating the return of your host, set it back down and surround that base with wheat thins. The cheese ball will appear untouched.
7. Leave the Cheese Ball: I know it sounds crazy but you need to give it some space. Act like you’re paying attention to guests as they arrive but keep most of your focus on the cheese ball across the room.
8. Choose a Target: Keep track of other party goer’s cheese ball habits and choose a target. When you notice a guest take a third or fourth bite of the cheese ball make a joke at her expense. For example, “Wow Dana, you’re really tearing up that cheese ball over there!” Dana will laugh but she’ll also become self conscious and leave the cheese ball.
9. Hype Up the Cheese Ball: This is your first public move toward the cheese ball. Make it count! Make sure your host is out of earshot, as she is the only attendee who knows you brought the cheese ball. Everyone else at the party needs to believe this is your first experience with a cheese ball. Take your first bite. Really milk it. “Oh my stars! What is this delicious ball of cheese? What do you call it?!?” This is your moment to shine. Ham it up a little. You’ll want a crowd for your next move.
10. Convince Dana to Eat More Cheese Ball: This might take the most effort/strategy but it is an integral part of the plan. Remember Dana? Convince her to eat another bite of the cheese ball. She’ll hesitate but you must persist. Find a way to get her back to that cheese ball! Gain her trust then wait for her to take a bite.
11. Publicly Ridicule Dana: Loudly yell, “Dana! Come up for air every once in a while! My god! You and that cheese ball! Why don’t you just pick it up and take it around the room with you!?!?” Humiliated, Dana will once again leave the cheese ball. The crowd will laugh but subconsciously avoid the cheese ball for fear of a public shaming like Dana’s.
12. Eat the Cheese Ball: Take what is rightfully yours!
13. Work the Room: Mention Dana and the cheese ball in as many conversations as possible. People at the party will view you as a great conversationalist and mingler.
14. Plant Some Evidence: If you can’t watch CSI this is the next best thing. Finish the cheese ball and get your coat. While you grab your coat, slip the empty plastic wrapper from the cheese ball into Dana’s pocket. No mercy, Dana.
15. Leave without Explanation: I offer no explanation for this step.
Optional: Drive straight from the party to your local grocery store. Purchase another cheese ball. Find out where Dana is going next. Repeat steps 4-15.
Unlike my New York and Los Angeles colleagues, I do not write to you from an exciting new city. Instead, I write to you from the same small city I’ve called home for three and a half years. I’ve loved my time in Williamsburg but in less than six months I’ll move out of the colonial capital of Virginia (Drop! Haters gonna hate. I’m looking at you Richmond) and settle somewhere else.
This May, I’ll officially become a college graduate! Unfortunately, people expect college graduates to “find jobs” and “become financially independent” so I’ll have to start thinking about that very soon. Hopefully, my New York and Los Angeles counterparts/nemeses will offer some guidance as I enter the working world (most likely they’ll try to sabotage me). I’m excited to have an excuse to keep up with Benjamin and Genevieve because I miss them. I’m also very excited to befriend the Senior Correspondent, Catherine Gullickson.
I’ll try to take some time out of my busy schedule of attending class, enjoying my last few months with friends, and hating myself for not majoring in Objectives or Decimals at the business school to say hello!
Talk to you soon, Internet,