In honor of this week of love, I would like to share my feelings about an elderly woman I admire. In fact, the only older women I admire more than her are my grandmothers. That’s right, I’m talking about Dame Helen Mirren. However, as great as she is, I think there are some facets of her that go unrecognized. Yes, she’s utterly hilarious, and yes, she is one of the greatest actresses working today, but I’d like to highlight some of her best assets. Or rather, her breast assets.
Yes, I’m talking about the talent that is Helen Mirren’s Boobs. Here it goes…
1. Calendar Girls: Without question, their finest, most raw, most revealing performance. Literally.
2. Age of Consent: A light and airy performance in which they let everything hang out. Though they are now old and perky, this performance captures the time when they were young and perky.
3. Prime Suspect: Gritty police work and tenacity have nothing on a well-fitted bra and flattering lady blazer that helped define her iconic character, Jane Tennison. Showed that they were more than a pair of boobs.
4. The Queen: Regal boobs whose sheer authenticity and suppression of natural skill won themselves an Oscar. Established themselves as icons.
5. The Love Ranch: They played a madam. They were married to Joe Pesci. Helen Mirren’s Boobs: ain’t nothing to mess with.
6. Raising Helen: Fashionable, yet older, this performance put the work of Kate Hudson’s boobs to shame.
7. Excalibur: One of their more supple and pure performances, showing they could be alluring and menacing at the same time.
8. RED: A killer role. Literally, they killed men. It was very impressive.
9. National Treasure: Book of Secrets: Obviously done for the paycheck, but they performed in surprising harmony with Nicolas Cage’s toupee.
10. Shadowboxer: Decently exposed performance. Unfortunately overshadowed by the performance of Stephen Dorff’s half-chub. Seriously.
Overall, this body of work they have demonstrated throughout the years is quite impressive. In spite of that fact that I’m not really even into boobs, the fact that these ten performances were so memorable speaks to the talent that is Helen Mirren’s Boobs. Academy, are you listening?
Valentines day is upon us, yes, so it can seem as though those of us unattached are meant to feel
hideously bitter left out of the loop. But I think the whole “hag” thing is played out for me this year. Instead, I choose to be upbeat. I choose to still wear pink today. I choose to remember that there’s always a lot to celebrate even if you’re the one stuck with the responsibility of buying yourself roses and chocolates and vibrators this time of year. And so, with unbridled (and only a little bit forced) optimism, may I present, what I consider to be The Plus Sides of Single-hood:
- You get to wear your crest white strips at night without complaint. Who’s really trying to deal with that in the morning?
- You get to litter half of your bed with your computer and ipad and purse and trash from when you went shopping earlier when you go to sleep.*
- You get to proudly tell your gynecologist that you are not sexually active.
- Wanna watch 6 episodes of Say Yes to the Dress in a row on Netflix while eating an entire family sized bag of white cheddar popcorn in your bed? Go ahead! Just me? Ok!
- You get to gratuitously fart in bed.
- You get to smile sweetly while that dude you met at the bar 6 minutes ago tries everything short of physically dragging you to get you to his apartment (My advice? Marry. Him. Tonight. Then you’ll never be alone again).
- Wait, you bought your underwear in a 3 pack at Walmart too? The kind where the print looks like it should be on a toddler’s bedspread, but instead it’s on your thong? Oh my God, we HAVE to get
drunk togethercoffee. We have so much in common.
- Kardashians. No apologies.
- You get to know the real you. The you that happily eats brunch alone at restaurants. The you that buys fresh produce with the best of intentions but ends up eating delivery Thai food in bed at least twice a week. The you that weeps openly by yourself in the theater at The Muppet Movie. The you that, lets get real, is worth getting to know. Because, you know, she’s going places.
*You can also sleep dead center on your mattress, which carries it’s own redeeming value. I, however, recommend the litter avenue; helps guard against that “crater of loneliness” that will form if you sleep in the middle long enough, which is a turn off that bi-annual night you manage to land somebody there. Also, flip your mattress. Ah, but it’s kind of a two man job…
1. Free Booze – This one’s a no-brainer. Better yet, seeing as parents have generally accumulated some level of wealth, and hopefully some level of taste (depends on the parent), they probably have good quality shit too. Double bonus.
2. Premium Cable – HBO, Showtime, you want it, you got it. On Demand? Yes, please. No need for a social life when you get to spend you evenings with Laura Dern, Sean Bean, William H. Macy, and Claire Danes. Friends? What friends?
3. Food – Best part of being a child back home? Love and care that doesn’t need to be reciprocated. Better yet, I allow myself to be bribed into running errands by using food as currency. I have low standards.
4. Pool/Hot tub Combo – This applies specifically to California, as it is apparently mandatory for every suburban home to have a pool and a hot tub. Especially handy when escaping the heat of winter.
5. Cleaning Services – The worst part of going to college was doing everything yourself. And it was so hard! Now, as long as your room has the illusion of cleanliness, your mom takes care of everything else. And the best part is, because she’s your mom, you don’t have to pay her!
6. Surplus Cash – Best thing about having aging parents is their inability to remember recent events. Like exactly how much money they gave you and your brother to go see a movie. Or how much that book you bought them on their credit card was. You know, things they should know.
7. Drama – Often times living away lacked the life-and-death situations and shouting arguments that happens when you put family in a small environment for long periods of time. Never a dull moment anymore. Nor a quiet one.
8. Nighttime Freedom – Once 8 o’clock hits, the house is yours. With your parents out and snoring like a light, who’s gonna ask you why you’re going to that seedy bar down the street, or who those strange asian men are, and why are they betting around the kitchen table. As long as you get rid of evidence before the next morning, ignorance is your bliss.
9. Increased Self-Importance – You’ve just come home with your college degree in tow, and how do you put it to use? Not by finding a job, silly! You lord your superior intellect over everyone and demonstrate that, in fact, you do know everything. And boy, what a great feeling that is.
10. Love – My mom made me put this one in here…
I’m sick and tired of hearing and reading about people’s New Year’s Resolutions. They’re usually unrealistic, mostly unattainable, and always boring. If it’s not “Lose weight”, it’s stupid things like “Be a better father”, “Be more cultured”, or “Stop wetting the bed”. I mean, there’s no honesty or lowered expectations anymore. No realism. That’s why I’ve decided to share MY New Year’s Resolutions. Hopefully they will inspire others to have more realistic goals.
1. Fart in public more often
This really is one of society’s best kept secrets. It’s like the perfect crime for bodily functions. Imagine you’re in a store, or on the subway, or in a movie theater, and you feel the pressure building. Normally, most people would be polite and hold out until in private or in the bathroom. But if you think about it, there’s no better place to let one rip. It is already noisy, people are busy doing other things, and no one’s going to be rude enough to single someone out. Moreover, it would even give you an opportunity to work on your acting skills, dramatically making a stink face and showing to everyone that you smell something awful, and it was most DEFINTELY not you who dealt it. Or you could remain silent. Like I said, either way, it’s the perfect crime. One I will be committing with abandon this year.
2. Drink more
Like most people, I’m a lot more fun when I’ve had 2 or 12 drinks. I’m more sociable, funnier, and all-around more pleasant to be around. Such is the case, why not be like that every day this year? I’m not advocating taking up recreational alcoholism, I’m just saying that I’m more inclined to drink when the opportunity presents itself. 2012 seems a great time to create those opportunities myself.
3. Spend more quality time with my Netflix account
I have a confession: I’ve let work and family get in the way of my Netflix watching. Grievously, my queue is now 118 titles deep, and I know it’s time to make a change. I resolve to hole myself up in my room and rededicate myself to the consumption of TV shows and movies. Besides, now that I live in Los Angeles, the social currency is knowledge of popular culture, so this is unquestionably justifiable.
4. Think more about me
Too long have I tried helping other people by considering volunteering and feeling guilty about not donating to the Cute-Young-Children-with-Horrific-Forms-of-Cancer Foundation. This year, it’s all about me. I’ve been disconcerted about not getting the attention I deserve, so I’m going to give myself that attention myself. And we’re going to be excessively happy about it, thank us very much.
5. Go on more dates
The best thing about going on dates is making the other person pay. This leads to a free meal. More dates means more free meals. The best part is when you get up to use the bathroom right before the bill comes, you come back, and they’ve politely taken care of it! And if things start to get too real (i.e. a second date), it’s easy to say you’re too busy, or you moved out of town, or my personal favorite, you’ve decided to become a priest.
6. Stop tipping baristas
I mean, really, what do they do that warrants a tip? Really!? They make my drink like they’re supposed to, and often times they don’t do it fast enough. I have nothing against baristas, just the societal norms that mandate a tip. Besides, they’re smug and pretentious with those punny “tip jars”. Please, you’re not fooling anyone.
7. Get liposuction
Year after year, I rededicate myself to fitness by working out, running, and generally not trying to be a fat ass. I’ve recently discovered that this is a dumb way to go about doing things. Thankfully, living in California has shed light on a better path: Liposuction. Once I save enough thousands of dollars, I can just get all the fat sucked right out, and not have to worry about it for another few years. I’m certain that’s how it works…
8. Become more of a hipster
Say what snide jokes you want about hipsters, they are pretty cool. I like their sense of style and devil-may-care attitude. They’re also unabashedly arrogant, and I’m unabashedly arrogant, so I feel like it’s a natural fit. Also, I look phenomenal in flannel.
9. Stop apologizing
I’m fed up with apologizing to people for perceived affronts. “Oops, sorry I crossed your path 10 feet in front of you” or “My bad for talking on the phone in public”. I’ve turned into too much of a softy, and it’s time to let people assume I’m sorry. I mean, honestly, if you have a problem with what I do, then you don’t have to be around me. If you’re a family member, just suck it up.
10. Make more jokes
11. Say nice things about people (see above)
12. Prepare a bomb shelter
2012. Mayan Calendar. Ragnarok. No-brainer.
From Los Angeles,