There are many things I love in this world: my family, my friends, food, and air conditioning, to name a few. And then there is the one thing I would throw that all away for, even if just for the opportunity to be in awe for five seconds: Beyoncé. Ever since my sister first introduced me to the sweet, sweet sounds of Destiny’s Child, I haven’t been able to get over my addiction to Beyoncé. With each passing year, this passion grows larger and fonder for the world’s most fabulous force of nature. Normally, I would assert that this sort of hyperbole would be inappropriate, but we are talking about Beyoncé here! There is no way you could ever possibly over exaggerate anything about her, ever. I mean we’re talking about the woman who rented out an entire floor of a hospital for the birth of her first superbaby. Granted, it was probably so they could redecorate with red carpet and crown molding and marble and art pieces from the Louvre, but that only furthers my point.
Way back when it was announced that Beyoncé would be performing at the halftime show of the Super Bowl, I was giddy. Then, that giddiness turned ecstatic when I found out that there would be a Destiny’s Child reunion. So between all of that buildup, the San Francisco 49ers playing in the Super Bowl, and the fact that I had been drinking mimosas at a crowded bar in SF since 11am, by the time the lights went down for the halftime show, I couldn’t stand it anymore.
And then the Queen rose.
I have never seen anything prettier rise out of anywhere (except for maybe chocolate coming out of a fountain). Her fierceness could be felt through my bones, and I knew that I was about to enter 12 minutes of nirvana.
Naturally, she started with ‘Love on Top’ (of course she did!) because like love, she is also a sensation that can’t be destroyed. Quite literally, she is made of fierce, and to quote Sir Isaac Newton, “Fierce is an element that can’t be destroyed”.
And then, the segue into ‘Crazy in Love’. With each ferocious stomp of her (I’m sure) perfectly manicured limbs of destruction, my heart quite literally stopped. Other things that happened with each stomp of her high heels: earthquakes, buttons popping open, haters being silenced, spontaneous orgasms, and the heavens being shaken.
Next there were some other songs that were not my favorite (NO JUDGEMENT), but there was some pretty sick technology-schmecnology going on. Basically the consensus was that the best backup dancer Beyoncé could have was more Beyoncés. And it was fabulous.
Then, the event that everyone said they were ready for, but no one was actually ready for: The Return of Destiny’s Child. And there was much rejoicing. As always, the performance was perfection on stage, even with Beyoncé making up for Michelle’s ungreatness. For it isn’t truly a Beyoncé performance without her doing something charitable, like putting up with a walking train wreck like this:
As for the next song, I knew it was coming. You knew it was coming. But you weren’t ready for that jelly: ‘Single Ladies’. It had it all: impeccable dance moves; fabulous hair; her dancing army of clones; ‘tude strong enough to strip the paint off the Golden Gate Bridge. Just try to keep up, world.
Last but not least was the emotional destruction of your soul: ‘Halo’. Probably my favorite of all the Beyoncé songs, and boy did she deliver. I thought at some point God was going to come down and tell Beyoncé to come back up to heaven because we were not worthy. Which we are not. We are not worthy of the Beyoncé.
And so ended my nirvana, and like a crack addict coming off a 3-day binge, I curled up on the floor of the bar and cried that I had nothing to live for. After that soul-shredding performance, what do any of us have to live for?! Nothing. Except for her live show at the HP Pavilion in San Jose on July 2nd.
May Beyoncé have mercy on your soul. Beyoncé be with you.
My dear readers, it has been a while since anything has been posted, and we apologize for the lack of comedy and inspiration for the past month. Mostly because TV shows are over, but also because us correspondents haven’t had many new posts. Well, that’s about to change! So, to make up for this fact, I’m dedicating this post to you, our dear readers, and what makes us here at The Ironical Chronicle love you so much.
One of the best parts of having this blog is being able to see the google searches people use in order to link up to your site. Recently, NY Correspondent Gen and I had a great laugh about some of them, so we’d like to share them with you:
Instructions to make a human centipede
Khloe & lamar dvd cover
Love is useless
Dr. pepper brownies
New styles lady blazer
Cool celebrity encounters
Beyonce falls Michelle Williams laughs
Is Jan Terri a real person?
Sexy mature incest
“vanilla ice” tracksuit
Now obviously, these search items reflect not only the type of reader we attract, but also the type of material we put out. All in all, it is very disturbing. However, I didn’t mention what the most searched item on the internet that led people to our site was. With a whopping 61 searches, ladies and gentleman, your winner is:
Helen Mirren Boobs!
That’s right! The only way our blog has any sort of audience is because people want to see pictures of Helen Mirren’s boobs. Or they are waiting for my follow up to “Top Ten Helen Mirren’s Boob’s Movies”. This number of searches did not include “Helen mirren tits”, “Helen Mirren boob”, “helen mirren bra pics”, “mature boobs hanging” or “Helen mirren breast size”.
Apparently the only way we can attract more people to our site is to try and figure out what type of boobs people want to see, and then include those hot topics on our site. I mean, anyone can find pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s boobs or Christina Hendrick’s boobs on the internets these days, so what’s our competitive advantage? That’s right: mature boobs.
Here, for your viewing pleasure, and for our site hit count, are some historically regal boobs:
Maggie Smith Boobs
Barbra Streisand Boobs
John Travolta Boobs
Bette Middler Boobs
Jack Nicholson Boobs
Judi Dench Boobs
So, thanks for reading this blog folks, and be sure to come back soon for even more great posts like this!
Time and time again I’ve written about the aspects of living at home that are enjoyable: Family, home-cooked meals, blah blah blah. Well I’ve been feeding you bullshit for a long time. Now it’s time to get down to brass taxes, shoot from the pelvis, and hear it straight from the horse’s lips: HBO is the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
Unlike Beyonce, who is undeniable yet only human, no other force has had a greater impact on my time living at home than HBO. For those of you who don’t know what you’re doing with your life, I have some great advice: move home, make your parents pay for premium cable, and ditch all your friends. I know many of you have trouble juggling your social life, what with all your party invites and dinner with friends and even trips to make fun of fat people at the mall (that’s still a thing, right?). I, fortunately, do not have that burden, which is why I spend my Sundays (and Fridays and Mondays and Wednesdays) with my loyal friend HBO.
There are so many things to love about HBO, so I’m gonna break it down for you right here:
Game of Thrones: This show is so awesome it actually made me read books again. Ever since the first season last year, I’ve been on a year-long Game of Thrones diet. Let’s just say it involves lots of wine and calling people whores. Now that the second season is heating up, my life is complete again. This season is chock full of nudity (bonus!), gruesome beheadings (double bonus!), and intricately woven explorations into the nature of power, where it resides, and what sort of influence the real or perceived effect of power has on an individual and society as a whole (OMG I just jizzed my pants!!!!). Did I mention that someone is gruesomely killed every episode?!?!
Veep: The only thing funnier than the concept of the Vice Presidency is Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Her and lady blazers and lady f-bombs, none of which are lacking on this show. Whip-smart British humor and a strong supporting cast (Buster Bluth!) also help. Additionally, there is in fact a black woman on the show, so it’s not like I’m a racist for watching shows with only white cast members. Right, guys?!?!?!
Girls: For some reason I keep thinking this should be the theme song for the show. Alas! it’s not. However, there is something humorous about former co-eds drifting in NYC trying to get their shit together (Am I right, Gen Blau?!?!). And despite the fact that the show was created by, written by, produced by, directed by, and starring women, the only thing that brought me to the show was the name of a bearded middle-aged man that was on the advertisements. Am I right, Judd Apatow fans?!?!
TrueBlood: Supernatural soap opera involving vampires, vampire hookers, werewolves, werewolf hookers, hookers, witches, bitches, fairies (the winged kind), fairies (the gay kind), mind-readers, lip-readers, lip-lockers, shape shifters, shape shifter sex, regular sex, shower scenes, gumbo, Oscar winners, lesbians, black panthers (the mammal), funny accents, demon babies, and Southern manners. Need I say more?!?!
Curb Your Enthusiasm: This last season might have been the best Curb season ever. From a pleasure-inducing Prius, to Bill Buckner finally catching something important, to one of the greatest debates about performance-enhancing drugs not involving Jose Canseco, this was truly a season to remember. The biggest takeaway: I’m an elderly Jewish curmudgeon at heart. Am I right, old people?!?!?!
The Wire: Sometimes, in social situations, I pretend like I’ve seen The Wire. This is embarrassing, I know, because it’s supposedly the greatest show ever, or whatnot, but every time I try and watch it, I realize I’d rather not think while I watch TV, so I don’t. It’s like the television version of War & Peace: a classic must-read that all pretentious educated people talk about, but you don’t want to put in the time. And it uses big words. Also, you prefer picture books. Am I right, college grads?!?!?!
Mad Men: Okay, so technically this show is on AMC, but it’s like an honorary HBO show. Kinda like how the two non-Beyonces were honorary Destiny’s Child members. Also, this was just an excuse to put in a picture of Jon Hamm. Am I right, ladies?!?!?!
So, as you can see, HBO and I have a great relationship, and we ain’t about to taint it with real people or anything. In fact, to quote Game of Thrones: “HBO is my king, and my king is HBO”*.
*Technically, the quote was actually “my husband” not “HBO”, but at this point in my life they’re practically interchangeable. Am I right, Ben?!?!?!
I have been taking improv classes because, as you, my loyal readers know, I am a gimundo ham and I really like to perform. That said, improv has always been something that has intimidated me, so I figured it might be neat to step outside of my comfort zone and try something new. It’s super fun, but a lot of times I find myself in the shower the next day, thinking of a line that would have been much better. Now you’re picturing me in the shower. You’re welcome.
But I digress. A part of the class involves going to see improv shows at UCB with the intention of studying the craft. It just so happens that my class on Sunday afternoons lets out at a perfect time for me to go over and stand in line for ASSSSCAT, the free show at 9:30 every week. To get tickets, you wind up sitting in line for almost 2 hours, but it’s worth it because it is always so funny. You usually get to see writers and some performers from SNL and other UCB shows, as well as some TV actors. Amy Poehler was one of the four founding members of UCB, and legend has it that every once in a while she shows up to perform, but you never know the actual line up until you are there. I have always maintained that if I got to see Amy there, I would straight up die. Well, to paraphrase Reba, consider me dead.
After waiting in line for 2 hours last night, my friend and I went in and took our seats. We were just sitting there gabbing, and Adam Scott and Rashida Jones came in and sat down 2 seats away. Rashida Jones had on very hipster glasses. I tried to play it cool, but honestly I have never been so star struck. At least , I hadn’t been so star struck until Amy came out at the start of the show (and that’s saying something because I once walked behind Mad Men’s Roger Sterling for like 3 blocks, which is probably enough to give ANYBODY a half-chub). I screamed like a 13 year old at a Beiber concert. I honestly didn’t know that I had that kind of reaction in me. I lost my shit. It made my Law and Order meltdown seem pathetic. But the show was amazing. Seth Meyers and Bobby Moynihan from SNL performed, along with Sue Galloway and John Lutz from 30 Rock, Adam Pally from Happy Endings, and a bunch of my favorite regulars from ASSSSCAT. I can’t overemphasize how excited I was/am.
I am taking away a few lessons from this experience. 1) I should always try to go to stuff. Earlier in the day I felt so tired and hungover that the thought of going felt painful. Thank goodness I was meeting a friend there because if I hadn’t gone and then found out about the line-up, I would have been so mad. 2) Amy Poehler is just fantazmo. Super funny. I can’t even. 3) Maybe- just maybe- 13 year olds have something going on here with their unbridled excitement for things like the Jonas brothers when the Jonas brothers were still a thing- I can’t help but think that if I could capture the enthusiasm I felt last night and harness it for evil, I would be unstoppable. And kids get that excited all the time! Just saying, we should probably all beware. Amy Poehler taught me that.
On Friday evening, I was taking my laundry to the wash and fold, and I saw this sign taped to a lamp post.
Immediately, I lost my shit right there in the street. My roommate looked at me like I was a total nutcase. I do realize that this brands me as a naïve transplant- real New Yorkers growl and mutter angrily about things like this- but frankly, I don’t give a flying turd. I love Law and Order SVU. I LOVE Mariska Hargitay. I was devastated when Chris Meloni left the show. The first episode of this past season when Captain Cragen tells Benson that Stabler is not coming back and she starts weeping in the crib at the station house, just ugh. Heartbreaking. He really owed her more than that.
If I weren’t at work today, you can be sure as shit that I would be out there trying to see what’s going on. In my fantasy , Dick Wolf himself would see me and be like “Hey! You! You look like somebody who should be on this show!” I could play any part he could think of; sorority girl wannabe at Hudson University with a sluttily dark secret, disgruntled shopgirl who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, terrified nanny who never meant for anything bad to happen, and the list goes on. My small part would be so memorable that it would turn into a recurring role, and Mariska and I would become buddies. I would start helping with her Joyful Heart Foundation, and we would totally bond over that. She and I would have wine nights all the time and take Pilates classes together.
Alas, I’m just a receptionist with big dreams who has a mild to moderate obsession with this show. Oof. Still sounds kind of like an SVU character.
This is the fourth in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era. Please don’t look for any other videos other than the ones I’ve posted, or else it will ruin the surprise.
Remember the classic song “Frere Jacques”? Well, Jan Terri took a giant shit on that classic, put it in a witches’ cauldron, did some voodoo, put it into a Magic Bullet, made some delicious margaritas, then went and and crafted a better version that will forever replace that silly tune with a sublime piece of artistry. That’s right, prepare to get your mind blown by “My Little Brother”.
As fourth on the list of TFGJTVOAL, you may think this isn’t as good as the other 3. WRONG! This ranking was merely a ruse because they are all the number one best, and I just had to break them down so your mind didn’t get blown from so much amazingness at one time.
This video holds a special place in my heart for an innumberable number of reasons. First, Jan sings in French. I don’t know about you, but she sounds so authentic, Marion Cotillard will probably win another Oscar for lipsyncing to her songs in a lavishly detailed biopic. Second, this song has so much pep, and I fucking love pep. Third, denim upon denim upon denim!! Fourth, I can always get behind a good shopping montage. Fifth, far and away the best line in the song is “Don’t you wanna take a cruise trip?” Let’s break this line down, shall we?
Jan is urging her brother to get out of bed and get going, why? She wants to convince him to go on a cruise trip. This line comes out of nowhere, like a Great White Shark lurking in the deep of the ocean. The song is akin to swimming in the ocean (or maybe paddleboarding if you’re a douche), minding your own business, everything calm and tranquil, and then getting your lower extremities torn asunder from your body. It comes out of nowhere, and it makes no sense. And yet, for some reason you’re not too angry, because it’s only natural that sharks eat humans, as it is only natural that Jan wants to go on a cruise trip with her brother. In Chicago. In the middle of winter.
Also, I would like to call your attention to how Jan futher emphasizes said “cruise trip” by standing next to the water and violently jerking her thumb behind her to indicate said “cruise trip” vessel. Subtle.
This is one of those rare songs that have moments that make no sense, yet at the same time make perfect sense. Kind of like Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me”. No, EXACTLY like Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me”!
So on that note, have fun with this song. It makes no sense, but since when does lack of sense preclude having a good time? That’s right: never.
Ok, I just realized that “wanna take a cruise trip” might be a euphemism for something. I’m leaning towards “incest”, but I’m just spitballing here.
Tomorrow marks the last day of our Top 5 Greatest Jan Terri Videos Of All Time. But never fear, for Jan Terri shall forever live on in our hearts, in our minds, and in our
This is the third in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era. Please don’t look for any other videos other than the ones I’ve posted, or else it will ruin the surprise.
So, to recap, you’ve witnessed the wonder Jan Terri has birthed unto the world in “Losing You” and “Get Down Goblin”. I hate to keep adding to songs I’m probably making you buy on iTunes because they’re so freaking catchy, but what do I care? Genius knows no price….
Speaking of genius, I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that the titles of these posts are loosely connected to another great artist of the 20th century. I always feel that genius attracts genius, so one way to underscore the impact Jan Terri has had on popular music today is to tie her in with the artist that had such an impact on stories about…stuff: Ernest Hemingway. While he died (something Jan, fortunately, hasn’t done yet), his work has remained timeless, just as Jan’s work will.
And that provides a nice transition into the third spot on the TFGJTVOAL list: ‘Baby Blues’. This is Jan Terri’s Country/Bar period, kind of like Hemingway’s Drinking/Communism period. The wonderful atmosphere of the bar and the existence of her friends shows that Jan, deep down, is just a person. Who likes to have fun. And sing. With just the cutest speech impediment!
This video shows of two things Jan really loves: the color blue, and mustaches. Between shots of her wooing a sexy cowboy with her contagious smirk and seagulls floating on the ocean (so poetic), you get the sensation that in fact YOU are falling in love with the cowboy! Such is the power of Jan Terri.
I also would like to take this moment to rant against the sexified music videos of this era. All this humping and grinding in music videos (especially with floor-like objects) is just too much. Bring me the days chaste hand-holding, chaste dancing, and chaste eye-fucking, and I’ll be a happy man.
Now, excuse me while I go get my eyes surgically altered in a misguided attempt to woo Jan Terri. In a meantime, enjoy these ‘Baby Blues’
Join me tomorrow as I explore the depths of the human soul drifting along an interconnected network of relationships while trying to maintain some semblance of morality and integrity.
Just kidding. It’s gonna be more Jan Terri. And it’s gonna be wonderful.
This is the second in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era. Please don’t look for any other videos other than the ones I’ve posted, or else it will ruin the surprise.
As I’m sure you know by now, my heart is open, like an open book, open to the wonder that is Jan Terri. Hopefully, yours is no longer closed. If so, don’t worry! We’ve got four (4!) more days to change your mind emphatically in favor of the genius of Jan Terri.
This second is classic vintage Terri, and ranks #2 on the TFGJTVOAT (Top Five Greatest Jan Terri Videos Of All Time. Duh!) scale. Are you the type of person that doesn’t think there are enough Halloween themed songs out in the musicsphere?! Are you a goblin conniseur?! Do you like to dance?! If you answered “yes” to any of these questions (or if you answered “no”, but still want to see where this is going) then you will love, I mean LOVE, ‘Get Down Goblin’.
This is one of the all-time greatest Halloween-themed songs, right up there with ‘Monster Mash’ and ‘Believe’ by Cher (surprising, I know). Any song that starts off with a haunting organ solo and flickering black and white shots only portends greatness. While Ms. Terri tears it up in the song with her fervor and passion and astoudingly audible voice, the real treat of this video is provided by the back-up choir. These three Muses pull triple duty as women of the night who croon the catchy chorus, “Get down goblin/get down goblin/get down”, and provide some impeccable choreography that will leave you trying to practice it at home. Obviously Beyonce has seen this video, and was no doubt inspired by the sheer inventiveness and ferocity that these chorus girls bring.
Again, I find myself rambling on when you’re not even reading what I have to say! All you want is to see the video! Golly, sometimes I can be so pedantic, but who isn’t when they’re talking about their inspiration?!
I sure hope we’re not “losing you” tomorrow as we continue to “get down” with Jan Terri! Join us!
This is the first in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era. Please don’t look for any other videos other than the ones I’ve posted, or else it will ruin the surprise.
Dear readers, sorry I have been MIA for so long. It is perfectly explainable, I swear! Recently, a friend of mine reintroduced me to one of my inspirations, and I have redevoted myself to the enjoyment of this person’s talents. There are only a few people (on the entire planet!!!) who know this person, which makes it even more special. However, I have decided it is time to share this person with the world. And by the world, I mean the 10 people who read this blog.
My inspiration is an exceedingly talented musician, nay!, artist, nay!, entertainer! That’s right, I’m talking about the timeless, the one-and-only, the indomitable: Jan Terri.
This week, I will devote one post a day in tribute to the legend, nay! the icon, that is Jan Terri. In the literally hundreds of seconds I spent scouring her severals of videos on the Youtube, I think I’ve been able to narrow her bevy of hits into what I am now referring as the Top 5 Greatest Jan Terri Videos Of All Time (TFGJTVOAT).
The first is her greatest hit, naturally. It is called ‘Losing You’, but should you ever play this while trying to woo someone into your bed, or impress with your sophisticated musical tastes, there will be no threat of you losing anything. Except maybe your pants and underwear simultaneously.
First off, leather needs to be featured in more music videos. Second, Chicago has never looked more beautiful than in this music video. Third, mullets are making a comeback! Fourth, there is nothing sexier than a woman with a voice, and Jan Terri knows it. Fifth, Michael Bay was the camera operator for this shoot, but he was only able to film 1.3 seconds of footage, so they had a stray cat film the rest. And the cat did a great job! Sixth, I need to stop and just let the video speak for itself, because my words don’t do it justice.
I have also written down the lyrics as I understood them, so don’t be shy about singing along!
I don’t wanna lose you tonight/You’re the only thing that matters
I don’t wanna lose you this way/Just need your love
I don’t wanna lose you tonight/You’re the only thing that matters
I don’t wanna lose you this way/Just need your love
Losing you will be the hardest thing to do/My heart is open like an open book, and yours is closed
I never thought it would be like this/So how do we move on?
Remember long walks, sandy beaches, all those swims together?/We were like a merry-go-round going around in circles
You said we’ll always be together/But you weren’t telling the truth
You were telling lies
Pick up the phone, give me a call, and talk to me
It shouldn’t have been like this/I can’t take it no more
CHORUS PART III
I don’t wanna lose you tonight
You’re the only thing that matters
I don’t blah blah blah blah
Just blah blah blah
Blah blah blah blah blah blah….
I really hate watching Sports Center, and yet somehow I seem to find myself watching it several times a week. Whenever I go to the gym at my office (which I primarily do because there is cable there), it is ALWAYS on. If I ask to change the channel, I am asked “to what…” in a voice filled with confusion and fear of any potential Kardashian viewership. But 30 minutes never feel so long as when whoever and his friends blah blah blah something about baseball. Ugh.
I am not a super girly person. In college, I was often referred to as the queen of lounge wear because I wore almost exclusively waffle print thermals in a variety of unflattering colors. Fashiony, I am not. But there are certain things, like my media intake, that I do girl out on. I love E! I love Kardashians. I LOVE wedding- oriented reality television. Man, did I have a field day with the Royal Wedding. I wish every day were the Royal Wedding.
As an aside, I would like to use this blog as a platform to say that among my many hopes for the future, I wish that one day, my daughters will live in a world where they are not called psychos for being 23, single, and going out of their way for a good marathon of Bridezillas. A day when they will not be judged for how many times they have watched Kim’s Fairytale Wedding special, but rather commended for their ability to intelligently discuss the problematic societal issues it highlights and also how stupid Kim’s headpiece was. I hope that they will feel no shame if, you know what, it’s really cold out and they think they will just sit there and watch Say Yes to the Dress with a big old glass of white wine, thank you very much. That day, my friends. That day…
But I digress. Please don’t think me vapid for my taste in TV. I would ask that everyone remember that when I find it useless to listen to some ex NFL players talk about where Peyton Manning might play if he leaves Indianapolis, it’s exactly like how some might have found it useless when Randy from Say Yes to the Dress hosted a special where he speculated what Kate Middleton’s wedding dress might look like. But don’t you see, guys at my office? It’s all the same! It’s all useless! I wouldn’t put you through the latter, so I wish you’d think twice before subjecting me to the former. Let’s just find something we can all agree on.
Law and Order: SVU, anyone?