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A Farewell To (My Little Brother)

This is the fourth in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era.  Please don’t look for any other videos other than the ones I’ve posted, or else it will ruin the surprise.

Remember the classic song “Frere Jacques”?  Well, Jan Terri took a giant shit on that classic, put it in a witches’ cauldron, did some voodoo, put it into a Magic Bullet, made some delicious margaritas, then went and and crafted a better version that will forever replace that silly tune with a sublime piece of artistry.  That’s right, prepare to get your mind blown by “My Little Brother”.

As fourth on the list of TFGJTVOAL, you may think this isn’t as good as the other 3.  WRONG!  This ranking was merely a ruse because they are all the number one best, and I just had to break them down so your mind didn’t get blown from so much amazingness at one time.

This video holds a special place in my heart for an innumberable number of reasons.  First, Jan sings in French.  I don’t know about you, but she sounds so authentic, Marion Cotillard will probably win another Oscar for lipsyncing to her songs in a lavishly detailed biopic.  Second, this song has so much pep, and I fucking love pep.  Third, denim upon denim upon denim!!  Fourth, I can always get behind a good shopping montage.  Fifth, far and away the best line in the song is “Don’t you wanna take a cruise trip?” Let’s break this line down, shall we?

Jan is urging her brother to get out of bed and get going, why?  She wants to convince him to go on a cruise trip.  This line comes out of nowhere, like a Great White Shark lurking in the deep of the ocean.  The song is akin to swimming in the ocean (or maybe paddleboarding if you’re a douche), minding your own business, everything calm and tranquil, and then getting your lower extremities torn asunder from your body.  It comes out of nowhere, and it makes no sense.  And yet, for some reason you’re not too angry, because it’s only natural that sharks eat humans, as it is only natural that Jan wants to go on a cruise trip with her brother.  In Chicago.  In the middle of winter.

Also, I would like to call your attention to how Jan futher emphasizes said “cruise trip” by standing next to the water and violently jerking her thumb behind her to indicate said “cruise trip” vessel.  Subtle.

This is one of those rare songs that have moments that make no sense, yet at the same time make perfect sense.  Kind of like Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me”.  No, EXACTLY like Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me”!

So on that note, have fun with this song.  It makes no sense, but since when does lack of sense preclude having a good time?  That’s right: never.

Ok, I just realized that “wanna take a cruise trip” might be a euphemism for something.  I’m leaning towards “incest”, but I’m just spitballing here.

Tomorrow marks the last day of our Top 5 Greatest Jan Terri Videos Of All Time.  But never fear, for Jan Terri shall forever live on in our hearts, in our minds, and in our nightmares dreams

We Can Make That Movie!

 

Two weeks ago Miden Wood, Logan Herries, and I teamed up to make a movie in 24 hours.

Logan                          Miden                      Amelia

 

It was difficult to set aside our differences because we all hate each other so very much but we managed. We received our official challenge at 6 p.m. on a Friday.
Genre: Working Girl/Shop Girl
Line of Dialogue: “Why are you singing?”
Prop: Fritz Lang’s Metropolis Postcard

We sat down to brainstorm over dinner at Friends Cafe. Friends Cafe was an odd place to brainstorm since the three of us aren’t really friends at all. We are nemeses. We talked about the conventions of Working Girl movies for about an hour before landing on Mary Tyler Moore.

If you’re not familiar with Mary Tyler Moore…

 

Our film was inspired by the following conversation.

Logan: I want to see a film where Mary Tyler Moore gets stabbed.
Amelia: (slams hands down on table) We can make that movie!

(Miden sits in silence, shoving her mouth full of Korean food.)

So, with the help of some friends, we made that movie!

 

Here is our final product!

 

 

Celebrity Encounters

I’ve lived in Los Angeles for going on 8 months, and it’s expected that I’ve come into contact with celebrities during my time here, because naturally most celebrities live in small cul-de-sac communities out in the suburbs, 90 minutes away from Hollywood.  While I, like most everyone who lives here, have had some celebrity contact, it’s not exactly what you think…

You see, whenever I see a celebrity, I only see them from the back.  I’ve never really seen a celebrity straight on, only from behind, and usually from far away.  I don’t know if this is a common thing here, or if it’s just me, but I’m getting scarily good at identifying people from behind.  And it’s not like the celebrities I see are really famous, they’re just kinda famous.

These occurrences all started when I came home for Thanksgiving from school because I had mono (long story…).   I got off the plane and I was walking to baggage claim, I noticed I was walking behind Jennifer Garner.  She was very short, and had brown hair, and was nondescript but for the back of her head.  It looked distinctly like the back of Sydney Bristow’s head, (Secret Agent (and Overt Badass) from Alias), that I decided it MUST be The Back of Jennifer Garner.  The back of her head also looked like the back of Elektra’s head, so that’s what really gave it away.  As she was whisked away in a tinted limousine by her big burly security team into the welcoming arms of The Back of Ben Affleck, I basked in the glory of my first celebrity encounter.  And you can never tell me otherwise.

The Back of Jennifer Garner and her husband, The Back of Ben Affleck

Another such encounter I had was at a club in Hollywood when my friend Ross was visiting.  We were hanging out in this super fancy club with loud music and really beautiful people (I guess that’s a thing down here), when the crowd parted and I saw something I knew I had seen many times before, but couldn’t place my finger on it.  Then it hit me.  That big, black head I noticed was attached to a tall, black man, that I was SURE was Cedric Yarborough.  If you don’t know him, he’s the black cop from Reno 911!.  Anyways, to make a long story short, I was in fan heaven, so I made Ross’ girlfriend take a picture of me with The Back of Cedric Yarborough.  It was a great night.

The Back of Cedric Yarborough is just as funny as Cedric Yarborough is on TV

Of course, my celebrity encounters were not just limited to these two.  I’ve had plenty of other encounters with the backs of celebrities as well:

  • Paul Walker (The Fast and the Furious) – walking across the crosswalk at the Burbank Airport.  He was wearing sneakers and a backpack.  He was really cool!
  • Brad Garret (Everybody Loves Raymond)- shopping at Barnes & Noble with his children.  The back of him is as tall as it looks on screen!
  • Kim Richards (Escape To Witch Mountain)- making out with her boyfriend outside of a movie theater.  She had a really nice ponytail, so she must be really nice as well!
  • Leann Rimes (Adultery)- sitting at a booth behind me with her adulterer, Eddie Cibrian.  She was wearing a fedora.  I like Leann Rimes in fedoras, she should wear them more often!

Now, there was one time that I have seen a celebrity full on, in all their glory.  One of my most favorite actors of all time works out at the same gym as I do.  Yes, that’s right! I have seen Cole Hauser!!!!!!!

He's just as shiny in real life

For those of you poor souls who don’t know Cole Hauser is (like that’s even possible!), you might know him better from his formidable resume:

Good Will Hunting – Billy McBride

Acting the pants off of Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck, and Matt Damon

The Hit List – Allan Campbell

Talk about an acting powerhouse!

The Cave – Jack McAllister

One of his multiple breakout roles

Pitch Black – William Johns

If not for Vin Diesel's blatantly melodramatic performance, he would've received more recognition

2 Fast 2 Furious – Carter Verone

A meaningful performance from a meaningful movie

Paparazzi – Bo Laramie

His most visible and honest performance to date

So, while I have only had the fortune of seeing the face of one “celebrity” so far, I look forward to seeing what the future holds for me.  Maybe one day I can graduate from seeing the fat doppleganger of Steven Spielberg to seeing his hand, or his shoes, or even the back of his hat.  I don’t ask for much, because I don’t need much to get excited.

A Ham is Born

Those who love me will readily admit that I am a big ham. They will happily spend at least an hour telling you how charming and adorable my insatiable cravings for attention and affirmation are. They’ll also tell you how worth it putting up with me is because everything that comes out of my mouth is so clever and amazing that they would never want me to deny the world the joy of hearing it. Those who love me will tell you this because they know if they don’t, that I will light myself on fire and that they’ll be next.

I exaggerate (or do I?), but it is true that I love to perform. I have been known to start acting a little weird when I haven’t been on stage for a while. If I have ever done a dramatic monologue loosely based on Mufasa’s death scene from The Lion King for you, all I can say is that you really should have known what you were getting yourself into with me.

Dad! Wake up Dad! We gotta see the Savanna!

I guess I hadn’t given much thought to the roots of my hammy ways until recently, though, when my childhood best friend Kelly sent me some old home movies that her mom had transferred to DVD and put online. I spent an hour and a half watching old birthday parties, choreographed dances, and random play dates that we had insisted on filming. It was adorable, and I came away with several observations.

First, I guess have always been a camera hog. At one of Kelly’s birthday parties, everyone took turns during cake time playing camera man, giggling and filming the rest of the girls at the table. Can you guess who dodged camera duty? That’s right, this bitch. Instead, I followed the camera around, repeating, “This is Genevieve reporting for NBC live from Kelly’s dining room” for about five minutes before I began  scream-singing “Everybody Wants to be a Cat” from the movie Aristocats. Yeah, you’re welcome, everyone.

Though I tried my 9-year-old damnedest to dominate birthday footage, my love of being on camera truly reached a fever pitch one afternoon when Kelly and I filmed a movie that I had written starring my four stuffed cats, Mizzy, Pickles, Soft Classsics*, and Fluffy. The basic plot of The Mizzy Movie is that all four cats are sisters, but Fluffy, the oldest, is a total bitch-diva. Fluffy leaves the others alone one night, and they order pizza, get a little rowdy, accidentally burst a gas line in the house, then accidentally light a match and the whole house explodes. Fluffy arrives home to discover the destruction, and as punishment, locks Mizzy in a shed, ties Pickles to a tree, and traps Soft Classics with a net. When the three heroes naturally escape, they retaliate by tying Fluffy up. Cuz that’ll show her. And, scene.

Left to right: Me, Fluffy, Mizzy, Pickles, and Soft Classics

It wound up being a very rough, Blair-witchy type film. I acted as master puppeteer, narrator, and voice talent for all the characters. If there are any producers out there who think the The Mizzy Movie could be a success, I’d be happy to develop it further. My only stipulations are that it is still filmed with a hand held camera and I still get to play all the parts. Also, the gas leak is non-negotiable.

Kelly, I love you for sending this to me. Not only was it extremely cute, but it gave me some great insight into my present day personality, and allowed me to reach an important conclusion. Those who love me have no choice but to embrace the ham. It’s never going away.

*Soft Classics, or S.C. for short, is named so because the toy company had attatched a tag that looked like a collar with the brand title printed on it, and I assumed that was the cat’s name. Hammy, I was. Creative with names, not so much.

Golden Globes

Welcome to the Golden Globes Live Blog Brought to You by Franzia®

This is a running commentary of this spectacular event, during which the commentators will attempt to finish a box of delicious and mature Franzia® wine before the telecast is over.

Please join us:  Golden Globes Live Blog

A Special Announcement

Everybody get excited, because it’s the Golden Globes! Ben and Gen are going to be viewing and commenting on the  whole shit show from their respective coasts. Each is responsible for demolishing one bladder of boxed wine over the course of the event. To watch what happens, click Golden Globes Preview