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The Beyoncé Halftime Show (Brought to you by Sasha Fierce)

There are many things I love in this world: my family, my friends, food, and air conditioning, to name a few.  And then there is the one thing I would throw that all away for, even if just for the opportunity to be in awe for five seconds: Beyoncé.  Ever since my sister first introduced me to the sweet, sweet sounds of Destiny’s Child, I haven’t been able to get over my addiction to Beyoncé.  With each passing year, this passion grows larger and fonder for the world’s most fabulous force of nature.  Normally, I would assert that this sort of hyperbole would be inappropriate, but we are talking about Beyoncé here!   There is no way you could ever possibly over exaggerate anything about her, ever.  I mean we’re talking about the woman who rented out an entire floor of a hospital for the birth of her first superbaby.  Granted, it was probably so they could redecorate with red carpet and crown molding and marble and art pieces from the Louvre, but that only furthers my point.

The Blue Ivy Carter hospital wing

The Blue Ivy Carter hospital wing

Way back when it was announced that Beyoncé would be performing at the halftime show of the Super Bowl, I was giddy.  Then, that giddiness turned ecstatic when I found out that there would be a Destiny’s Child reunion.  So between all of that buildup, the San Francisco 49ers playing in the Super Bowl, and the fact that I had been drinking mimosas at a crowded bar in SF since 11am, by the time the lights went down for the halftime show, I couldn’t stand it anymore.

Me, unable to stand it anymore

Me, unable to stand it anymore

And then the Queen rose.

The beginning of my mind-splosion

The beginning of my mind-splosion

I have never seen anything prettier rise out of anywhere (except for maybe chocolate coming out of a fountain).  Her fierceness could be felt through my bones, and I knew that I was about to enter 12 minutes of nirvana.

Naturally, she started with ‘Love on Top’ (of course she did!) because like love, she is also a sensation that can’t be destroyed.  Quite literally, she is made of fierce, and to quote Sir Isaac Newton, “Fierce is an element that can’t be destroyed”.

Does this look like something you can destroy?

Does this look like something you can destroy?

And then, the segue into ‘Crazy in Love’.  With each ferocious stomp of her (I’m sure) perfectly manicured limbs of destruction, my heart quite literally stopped.  Other things that happened with each stomp of her high heels: earthquakes, buttons popping open, haters being silenced, spontaneous orgasms, and the heavens being shaken.

"What's all that racket going on down there?" ---Zeus

“What’s all that racket going on down there?” —Zeus

Next there were some other songs that were not my favorite (NO JUDGEMENT), but there was some pretty sick technology-schmecnology going on.  Basically the consensus was that the best backup dancer Beyoncé could have was more Beyoncés.  And it was fabulous.

You get a Beyoncé!  You get a Beyoncé!  You get a Beyoncé!

You get a Beyoncé! You get a Beyoncé! You get a Beyoncé!

Then, the event that everyone said they were ready for, but no one was actually ready for: The Return of Destiny’s Child.  And there was much rejoicing.  As always, the performance was perfection on stage, even with Beyoncé making up for Michelle’s ungreatness.  For it isn’t truly a Beyoncé performance without her doing something charitable, like putting up with a walking train wreck like this:

Get it together, Michelle!!!

Get it together, Michelle!!!

As for the next song, I knew it was coming.  You knew it was coming.  But you weren’t ready for that jelly: ‘Single Ladies’.  It had it all: impeccable dance moves; fabulous hair; her dancing army of clones; ‘tude strong enough to strip the paint off the Golden Gate Bridge.  Just try to keep up, world.

The hair! The look! The army of dancers!

The hair! The look! The army of dancers!

Last but not least was the emotional destruction of your soul: ‘Halo’.  Probably my favorite of all the Beyoncé songs, and boy did she deliver.  I thought at some point God was going to come down and tell Beyoncé to come back up to heaven because we were not worthy.  Which we are not.  We are not worthy of the Beyoncé.

Kneel before Bey

Kneel before Bey!

And so ended my nirvana, and like a crack addict coming off a 3-day binge, I curled up on the floor of the bar and cried that I had nothing to live for.  After that soul-shredding performance, what do any of us have to live for?!  Nothing.  Except for her live show at the HP Pavilion in San Jose on July 2nd.

I was stuck like this for the rest of the game

I was stuck like this for the rest of the game

May Beyoncé have mercy on your soul.  Beyoncé be with you.

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For Whom the (Baby Blues) Tolls

This is the third in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era.  Please don’t look for any other videos other than the ones I’ve posted, or else it will ruin the surprise.

So, to recap, you’ve witnessed the wonder Jan Terri has birthed unto the world in “Losing You” and “Get Down Goblin”.  I hate to keep adding to songs I’m probably making you buy on iTunes because they’re so freaking catchy, but what do I care?  Genius knows no price….

Speaking of genius, I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that the titles of these posts are loosely connected to another great artist of the 20th century.  I always feel that genius attracts genius, so one way to underscore the impact Jan Terri has had on popular music today is to tie her in with the artist that had such an impact on stories about…stuff: Ernest Hemingway.  While he died (something Jan, fortunately, hasn’t done yet), his work has remained timeless, just as Jan’s work will.

And that provides a nice transition into the third spot on the TFGJTVOAL list: ‘Baby Blues’.  This is Jan Terri’s Country/Bar period, kind of like Hemingway’s Drinking/Communism period.  The wonderful atmosphere of the bar and the existence of her friends shows that Jan, deep down, is just a person.  Who likes to have fun.  And sing. With just the cutest speech impediment!

This video shows of two things Jan really loves: the color blue, and mustaches.  Between shots of her wooing a sexy cowboy with her contagious smirk and seagulls floating on the ocean (so poetic), you get the sensation that in fact YOU are falling in love with the cowboy!  Such is the power of Jan Terri.

I also would like to take this moment to rant against the sexified music videos of this era.  All this humping and grinding in music videos (especially with floor-like objects) is just too much.  Bring me the days chaste hand-holding, chaste dancing, and chaste eye-fucking, and I’ll be a happy man.

Now, excuse me while I go get my eyes surgically altered in a misguided attempt to woo Jan Terri.  In a meantime, enjoy these ‘Baby Blues’

Join me tomorrow as I explore the depths of the human soul drifting along an interconnected network of relationships while trying to maintain some semblance of morality and integrity.

Just kidding.  It’s gonna be more Jan Terri.  And it’s gonna be wonderful.

The (Goblin) Also Rises

This is the second in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era.  Please don’t look for any other videos other than the ones I’ve posted, or else it will ruin the surprise.

As I’m sure you know by now, my heart is open, like an open book, open to the wonder that is Jan Terri.  Hopefully, yours is no longer closed.  If so, don’t worry!  We’ve got four (4!) more days to change your mind emphatically in favor of the genius of Jan Terri.

This second is classic vintage Terri, and ranks #2 on the TFGJTVOAT (Top Five Greatest Jan Terri Videos Of All Time. Duh!) scale.  Are you the type of person that doesn’t think there are enough Halloween themed songs out in the musicsphere?!  Are you a goblin conniseur?!  Do you like to dance?!  If you answered “yes” to any of these questions (or if you answered “no”, but still want to see where this is going) then you will love, I mean LOVE, ‘Get Down Goblin’.

This is one of the all-time greatest Halloween-themed songs, right up there with ‘Monster Mash’ and ‘Believe’ by Cher (surprising, I know).  Any song that starts off with a haunting organ solo and flickering black and white shots only portends greatness.  While Ms. Terri tears it up in the song with her fervor and passion and astoudingly audible voice, the real treat of this video is provided by the back-up choir.  These three Muses pull triple duty as women of the night who croon the catchy chorus, “Get down goblin/get down goblin/get down”, and provide some impeccable choreography that will leave you trying to practice it at home.  Obviously Beyonce has seen this video, and was no doubt inspired by the sheer inventiveness and ferocity that these chorus girls bring.

Again, I find myself rambling on when you’re not even reading what I have to say!  All you want is to see the video!  Golly, sometimes I can be so pedantic, but who isn’t when they’re talking about their inspiration?!

Again, enjoy

I sure hope we’re not “losing you” tomorrow as we continue to “get down” with Jan Terri!  Join us!

An Inspiration Forgotten, But Not Gone

This is the first in a weeklong homage to one of the greatest musicians of the modern era.  Please don’t look for any other videos other than the ones I’ve posted, or else it will ruin the surprise.

Dear readers, sorry I have been MIA for so long.  It is perfectly explainable, I swear!  Recently, a friend of mine reintroduced me to one of my inspirations, and I have redevoted myself to the enjoyment of this person’s talents.  There are only a few people (on the entire planet!!!) who know this person, which makes it even more special.  However, I have decided it is time to share this person with the world.  And by the world, I mean the 10 people who read this blog.

My inspiration is an exceedingly talented musician, nay!, artist, nay!, entertainer!  That’s right, I’m talking about the timeless, the one-and-only, the indomitable: Jan Terri.

This week, I will devote one post a day in tribute to the legend, nay! the icon, that is Jan Terri.  In the literally hundreds of seconds I spent scouring her severals of videos on the Youtube, I think I’ve been able to narrow her bevy of hits into what I am now referring as the Top 5 Greatest Jan Terri Videos Of All Time (TFGJTVOAT).

The first is her greatest hit, naturally.  It is called ‘Losing You’, but should you ever play this while trying to woo someone into your bed, or impress with your sophisticated musical tastes, there will be no threat of you losing anything.  Except maybe your pants and underwear simultaneously.

First off, leather needs to be featured in more music videos.  Second, Chicago has never looked more beautiful than in this music video.  Third, mullets are making a comeback!  Fourth, there is nothing sexier than a woman with a voice, and Jan Terri knows it.  Fifth, Michael Bay was the camera operator for this shoot, but he was only able to film 1.3 seconds of footage, so they had a stray cat film the rest.  And the cat did a great job!  Sixth, I need to stop and just let the video speak  for itself, because my words don’t do it justice.

Enjoy

I have also written down the lyrics as I understood them, so don’t be shy about singing along!

I don’t wanna lose you tonight/You’re the only thing that matters
I don’t wanna lose you this way/Just need your love

I don’t wanna lose you tonight/You’re the only thing that matters
I don’t wanna lose you this way/Just need your love

Losing you will be the hardest thing to do/My heart is open like an open book, and yours is closed
I never thought it would be like this/So how do we move on?

CHORUS X2

Remember long walks, sandy beaches, all those swims together?/We were like a merry-go-round going around in circles
You said we’ll always be together/But you weren’t telling the truth
You were telling lies

CHORUS AGAIN

Pick up the phone, give me a call, and talk to me
It shouldn’t have been like this/I can’t take it no more

CHORUS PART III

I don’t wanna lose you tonight
You’re the only thing that matters
I don’t blah blah blah blah
Just blah blah blah

Blah blah blah blah blah blah….

Nicki Minaj and Rosetta Stone

I love Nicki Minaj. I hope the name “The Ironical Chronicle” doesn’t suggest my love for Nicki is in any way ironic. It’s the real thing. Last month, my friend Mary introduced me to the Big Sean & Nicki Minaj – Dance (ASS) (Official Music Video) and I haven’t been the same since. I can’t stop watching it.

The video has two highlights. First, the word “ASS” pops up on the screen in multiple languages throughout the video. Watching the Big Sean & Nicki Minaj – Dance (ASS) (Official Music Video) is like purchasing the entire Rosetta Stone series and only learning the word “ASS”. Unlike Rosetta Stone, IT’S FREE!

The second highlight, as I’m sure you could all guess, is Nicki Minaj’s ass/verse.

The only low point is Big Sean. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s the fact that his ass is so unimpressive compared to Nicki’s, but I don’t enjoy his ass/verses.

This winter break I’ve had a lot of time to think about ways to improve my life and the lives of others so I’ve taken the liberty of editing/fixing the Big Sean & Nicki Minaj – Dance (ASS) (Official Music Video). Here is my edited version. I hope you enjoy it!