Well another year has passed, which of course means another year of me being single. I actually really enjoy it, but if there’s one day that has to try and convince me that I’m a lonely and pathetic person because of it, it’s that abomination of a 24-hour time period: Valentine’s Day. Really, this is just the stupidest holiday we have, and this is taking into consideration we also have Columbus Day. I mean, what did that guy ever do?!
But really, what this is about is how gross people get around and on Valentine’s Day. I’ve got one set of grandparents that are vacationing in Hawaii. Gross. I’ve got another set that will probably have a nice dinner, drink some wine, go home and watch Dancing with the Stars or Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Ew. My parents will probably tell each other that they love each other. I mean, come on!!
Listen people, I get it; you’re in love and you like being around another human being for long periods of time. You like to talk about feelings. That’s great. I’m so glad you’re happy, but keep that crap away from me. On Valentine’s Day, if I see a couple holding hands, I’m going to shout, “Get a room!” at them. If I see a couple making out, I’m going to yell, “Gross!”. If I see a couple with their clothes off about to have sex, well, I’m going to call the police because that is public indecency.
I know it sounds like I’m bitter about being single on Valentine’s Day, but I’m really not. One of the best parts about being single on Valentine’s Day is being able to do whatever you want with impunity or fear to ruin a “relationship” by not buying the “right” roses. Sometimes I like to buy a box of chocolates and tell the cashier they’re for a special someone, but really I’m my own special someone and I really like chocolate. However, I can’t really do that this year because I’ve already done that twice this week, and three times just seems desperate. Other times I like to watch romantic comedies and heckle them for being “sweet” and “sincere”, but I’m currently banned from all AMC movie theaters nationwide on Valentine’s Day.
This year, I might try something different. Since I’m dating myself, I might take us out for a nice couple’s dinner at the all-you-can-eat Brazilian steakhouse that I live above. And nothing says, “I love me” quite like a box of donuts in bed. I might even go to Applebee’s and get the 2 for $20 lunch special for the both of me. And if anyone asks if I’m waiting for someone else, I will proudly state that no, I am not waiting for anyone else, I am merely treating myself to a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner, is there a problem with that are you judging me can I have a third bottle of that pinot noir and bring me more meat too, thanks.
So to all of you happy couples out there, I sincerely wish you a happy Valentine’s Day. I hope you enjoy your time together and don’t run out of things to talk about. And if you see one of us helplessly single people staring at you across the restaurant tonight, we’re not judging you. We’re merely staring at you to make you uncomfortable so we can enjoy our Meat Lover’s Meat Plate for Two without gagging at the sight of you holding hands in public. Get a room.
Valentine’s Day is over and we all survived! I’m not going to make some snarky comment about Valentine’s Day and how it’s so lame and only total sellouts fall into the trap of celebrating it. I’m not even going to complain about all of the annoying, happy couples. I’m buying into all of the Valentine’s Day nonsense! I’m totally getting a boyfriend before next Valentine’s Day. Girl, if I can do it SO CAN YOU!
We don’t want another year like this, do we girls?
The following is a step by step guide to get yourself a boo before Valentine’s Day 2013.
Step One: Get Out of Bed
If you’re like me, your loneliness is so crippling, most days getting out of bed just feels impossible. That’s NOT how to get a boyfriend. Believe me, girl! You’ve got to find a reason to get out of your bed! For example, tactically park your car in the direction of the nearest Cracker Barrel. When the sun rises on another sad day of your life, get out of bed! You can do it! You’re so close to the Cracker Barrel Country Boy Breakfast! Things are going to change for you today!
Step Two: Cry
Once you’re out of bed, get ready for the day! Put on a cute outfit and a little bit of make up BUT make sure you get out all of your tears before you put on any makeup. Admit it. You’re going to cry today. Let it happen, girl! Get it all out of your system then get ready to go out and get yo’ man!
Step Three: Eat Everything in Sight
It’s science. Men love a lady with a hearty appetite. Eat your food quickly. Scarf it down, girl! You don’t have time to savor it. You’ve got men to hunt! On your way out of Cracker Barrel, stop in the country store and pick up two pecan logs. Eat one in the car. Throw the wrapper out of the window. When you get back to your room, eat the other pecan log. Act like the first one never happened.
Step Four: Do Your Thing
This step is the “how-to” lists equivalent of the “free style” in a dance number. Go about your day normally!
Step Five: Go Home
Since you are trying to meet people, this may seem counterproductive. Trust me, girl! You’ll thank me later. Go home.
Step Six: Get on the Internet and Find True Love
Internet dating is awesome! I’m not talking about dating sites. Those aren’t going to help you. Your next move is a bold move. You can do it, girl! Get on FaceBook!
Step Seven: Choose Your Boo!
Scroll through your list of FaceBook friends. Pick out a boy who is cute but not too cute. Don’t get too crazy, girl! It’s not like you’re a model! (If you are a model feel free to alter this step.)
Step Eight: Change Your Relationship Status
Make your relationship status “In a Relationship with Insert Name of Boy from Step 7 . I mean, he might go for it! If he gets weirded out just say it was an accident! What’s the worst thing that could happen? You’re alone forever? It seems like that’s inevitable, girl! At least you’ll have taken a risk!
We’ve got 365 more days to go through steps 1-8. If you wake up each morning and follow these instructions, I guarantee you’ll have a Valentine next year!*
Love ya girl!
*My guarantee means very little.
During my weekend of walking around aimlessly, running errands, cringing at the worst broadcast of the Grammy’s in decades, and sitting through a glut of advertisements beating Valentine’s Day to a bloody pulp, I had a random assortment of musings that have absolutely no connection whatsoever. Typical
Are You There Grammy’s? It’s Me, Apathy
- The Grammy’s were terrible
- Apparently, the go-to hairstlye of 2012 is Bad Combover. Thank you, Justin Vernon of Bon Iver and Mr. Molesley from Downton Abbey for making balding the chic ‘do of the year.
- Adele’s music has been scientifically proven to induce sobbing, according to the Wall Street Journal. So really, she’s not some poor girl trying to get over a bad breakup; she’s a ruthless villain trying to destroy the world one heartbroken, slobbering mess at a time.
- I’ve watched more videos of Whitney Houston in the past few days than any white, upper-middle class male living at home has any right to. However, I’ve come to the conclusion my favorite Whitney is a toss up between “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” Whitney (a song my friends and I requested at our senior prom), and reality TV star Whitney. Yes, she was “The Voice of a Generation”, but clips like this show you she was really “The Comedic Voice of a Generation”.
- Words I have the misfortune of seeing in the future: Chris Brown, Grammy winner.
- Words I have the joy of writing without fear of libel: Chris Brown, convicted felon
And What Did You Do This Weekend?
- I recently got a library card, and while hanging out at the library on the weekends, have begun to wonder if this might be the catalyst my dating life needs to sputter out of reverse and into park. This weekend I saw the large print section overflowing with elderlies, the computers crowded with people muttering to themselves, and the DVD section being devoured by people fighting over the newest copy of Breaking Dawn. Of course, I stayed and scoped out the crowd. Nothing this week, but there’s nothing more productive to do on a three day weekend than troll the library.
- It was 75 degrees in Los Angeles this weekend.
- Our refrigerator hasn’t been working, which means that I’ve had the enviable task of eating all of the perishable food before it goes bad, and drinking all of the beer before it gets too warm. It’s been a rough week.
- I went on another date with my sister, this time to the mall. Horrifyingly, I had a great time.
Why Valentine’s Day Can Suck My Nuts
- I hate everyone who has someone special to spend Valentine’s Day with, during which they express their love and affection for each other. It’s disgusting. And yes, that includes you, Mom and Dad.
- I considered sending myself a box of chocolates at work to make it seem like someone loved me. Then I realized that would seem desperate, so I settled on an Edible Arrangements.
- If I see anyone, and I mean ANYONE, holding hands on, I will yell at them to get a room.
Things That Help, Thanks For Asking
- I will probably go see This Means War by myself today.
- If I don’t go see This Means War, I will rent Human Centipede, as I feel they both offer up the same sentiment, expressed slightly differently. Either way, Reese Witherspoon is in the middle.
- For lunch, I’m going to go to Applebee’s and order the 2 for $20 deal for myself. And I will finish both entrees.
- I received a card on Valentine’s Day from my grandparents with $10 inside. It totally made my day